Pure Intimacy: God's Design for Sex


Control: The Last Stronghold of Lesbianism (Part 2)

The decision to let control die is to say to God, “If you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.

by Alan and Willa Medinger

It would seem logical that the next step would be to start transferring that trust to “safe” men, or perhaps even to women. Not so. This view of Jesus as the one who totally reliable, the faithful protector, can exist in the mind, and even in the heart, but it may not lead to a trust of others until one more thing happens. The spirit of control must die, or more correctly, she must let Jesus kill that thing. Using the term “spirit of control” we mean to convey either a real demonic presence, or a deeply embedded rule of life.

God will not ask her to kill that thing before she is ready. That readiness will come some time after she has such a relationship with Jesus that she will be able to see Him walking beside her into the night of her deepest fears.

This death, like all deaths will be a terrible one, particularly in the anticipation. The decision to let control die is to say to God, “If you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt. If you want me abused, I will be abused. If you want everyone to abandon me, I will be abandoned.” The goodness and faithfulness of God will be all there is to rely on.

To die to control is to die to her own way of self-protection. There will be pain, and she may have to test God over and over again. But through her failures and God’s faithfulness she will eventually know that her old way was simply a broken cistern that could hold no water. Jesus brings the living water.

Realizing that God was speaking to all mankind, consider His words in Jeremiah 17:5-8:

Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his arm, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and he shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

To die to control is a step that many will not take. In fact, two other things may need to happen before she can allow God to kill this particular spirit: there first may need to be a death to deception and rebellion. The next lines in Jeremiah say that, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately corrupt.” (Jer. 17:9) There will be all kinds of rationalizations as to why the old ways of relating are okay, but ultimately they are not.

First, the old way is to put our trust in ourselves, and not God, and this is sinful at its very core. Second, a proper relationship with our Lord does not focus on what we do not do, but rather on our being who He wants us to be. In His righteousness—which could be translated His rightness—she is a woman, joyfully embracing her womanhood, able to relate to both men and women as a person with true freedom in Jesus Christ. He wants her to live in the reality of the truth that, “...perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Seeking that is true obedience.

The second thing that she may need to die to before control can be surrendered to the Lord is rebellion. Some women will not even start to consider what is said here, or listen to what God is saying to them through other sources, because of a spirit of defiance or rebellion. She may maintain that she would rather remain in the old prison than risk being hurt.

If that were all there is to it, that might be acceptable, but that is not all there is to it. God is calling her forth. Jesus is offering to be her protector. To say no to Him is to say no to His love, to love itself, for the heart that is totally self protective, cannot love. To say no to Him is to say no to life, to the life that He offers. It is the clay telling the potter what it will be. It is rebellion. It is a sin.

To move out from a lifetime of control and self-protection is an awesome thing for a woman who has been deeply hurt. It is only possible through the power of Jesus Christ, through His Spirit living in us. It may even defy the power of the natural woman. But we have God’s faithfulness and His promises to take hold of. We read in Psalm 107:4-9:

“Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress; he led them to a straight way, till they reached a city to dwell in. Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wonderful works to the sons of men! For He satisfies him who is thirsty, and the hungry He fills with good things.”

He will woo her until she can trust Him, and then He will call her forth to freedom and true womanhood, and He will give her a good place to dwell in. It is a matter of choosing life.

Some do. The young woman who felt like a cornered animal, after a number of years in Regeneration and a few years of counseling, had the challenge put before her. Eventually she did allow God to kill that spirit of control, and she was set free. Not many months later something happened that led her to take on one of the most awful risks there is. She fell in love and entrusted her heart to another. Today she is married and the mother of two young children.

The goal is not marriage. The goal is obedience, becoming who God created us to be. And as we are obedient, life opens up all around us, and all sorts of wonderful things become possible. Our control of our lives was so narrow and constricting. His control offers freedom and abundance.

Copyright © Regeneration. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

About the author

Alan Medinger is the founder and director emeritus of Regeneration, a ministry to the sexually broken in Baltimore, MD and Fairfax, VA.