In the first article, we saw the damage done to Bethany when her family destroyed her sense of secondary trust. We also learned how crucial it is for babies and young children to be nurtured in safe, loving, protective environments in order to bond well later in life.

Now that we understand the importance primary and secondary trust plays in the formation of healthy relationships, what happens when that trust is violated or broken, especially in the marital relationship?

If you are the victim of your spouse’s infidelity, I do not need to explain the severity of the damage or the severity of your pain, but, perhaps, I can help you more fully understand intimacy disorder and the breakdown of trust in order to survive it.

I have found in my counseling practice that a victim of infidelity often exhibits similar symptoms to adults who have survived child abuse or were victims of rape.

This comparison may seem shocking since the violating act was committed by the unfaithful spouse with another person or with pornography. How could this betrayal of trust, this act of infidelity which occurred across town or outside the victim’s presence, cause such horrific damage?

The answer, I believe, is directly connected to God’s design for marriage as a one-flesh and one-spirit union. If your spouse violates the exclusivity of the marriage bond by using his body and his spirit with another, then, because of the close intimate bond between husband and wife, he also violates your body and your spirit. In essence, this is the same violation occurring in rape.

Perhaps this is one of the many reasons why sexual immorality carries such severe consequences.¹ In Hebrews 13:3-5 we read that “Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.”

It is no surprise, then, that infidelity results in deep distrust and can lead to some of the following symptoms experienced by the injured partner:

Craziness: Confusion, disorientation and loss of identity often occur when trust is shattered. When trust is damaged, so, too, is the sense of self. As stated in the first article, trust is the foremost building block in a child’s life—everything related to a sense of self is built upon it. With infidelity, a spouse moves immediately from a position of security and trust to one in which everything is in doubt. A person in this situation might wonder if she is going crazy. The truth is that this reaction is a normal response to a “crazy-making” event in one’s life.

Powerlessness: Being unable to control a wayward spouse’s attention or his twisted commitment to someone—or something—other than one’s self leaves a person with a sense that life is out of control. This leads to personally feeling out of control, and obsessions and compulsions often follow. Reliving the initial shock and ruminating over the details is common. Frantically looking for clues of the torrid affair or hysterically searching for additional evidence on the computer is typical.

Ambivalence: Your inner sense of craziness is compounded by opposing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Examples of these opposites include: love and revulsion, deep hurt and numbness, forgiveness and vengefulness, fear and relief, crying non-stop or inability to cry, not eating or eating nonstop, self-hate or spouse-hate.

Rejection: During courtship you felt loved, cherished, valued and special. Nothing leaves a person feeling more rejected and discarded than a mate’s infidelity. Often, friends, family, and local church members are shocked with the news of your mate’s infidelity. Even if they want to help, they often respond inappropriately, giving hurtful advice and possibly further rejection.

Hopelessness: Feeling rejected by a life mate can lead to feeling rejected by life in general and then questioning God’s faithfulness, sovereignty, love, and protection which leads to deep feelings of hopelessness. Despair and depression often follow.

These five traits include some, but not all of the symptoms experienced by an injured spouse. Don’t worry if you don’t fit into these categories. Remember that this is a “crazy-making” time and your experiences are unique to you.

What your reactions do indicate, though—and very clearly—is that your relationships has suffered a serious blow to its foundational element: trust. Intimacy between spouses is in shambles and one or both partners are questioning whether or not there can ever again be a real bond between them.

At this point, many couples seriously consider getting divorced. Yet, divorce will not solve the deeper issues of intimacy disorder. Likely, too, the ability to trust again will be so damaged as to affect any future relationships. Rather than speak of ending the bond that has been damaged, couples in this situation would do better to openly and honestly try to dig deep into their relationship and themselves to discover the source of their intimacy disorder and work to rebuild their lives—individually and together. This is best accomplished with the help of a trained Christian counselor who specializes in intimacy disorder, family trauma, or sex addiction.

Note: If your spouse is not sorrowful for the pain he has caused you, or if he is not humble and broken, I suggest you read Dr. James Dobson’s book Love Must Be Tough. This book provides step-by-step biblical principles to use along with the help and guidance of a trusted Christian counselor.

It may seem after the infidelity that the life you have known is over. In a sense, this is true. Yet, the life just ended was obviously rife with secrets and decay before it came crashing down. Ask yourself if you desire to go back to what you had. While reconciliation will not happen for all couples, there is, indeed, hope. For those willing to invest themselves in the process of rebuilding intimacy and trust, and for those willing to follow God’s plan of forgiveness, the chances are much higher. It is possible to move toward a healthier and happier relationship than you ever had before.


Copyright © 2004 Joann Condie. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.


Joann Condie is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor and Registered Nurse who counsels individuals, couples, and families on a number of issues, including sexual addiction, sexual dysfunction and chronic pain. In addition to training professional counselors, physicians, and church leaders, Joann works part-time at Focus on the Family and maintains a private practice in Colorado Springs, CO. www.renewingintimacy.com