One of the most common reactions to infidelity is the loss of hope. The wounded spouse believes first, there is no possible way to repair the relationship, and, second, even if the couple tried to stay together, there is no way to trust again. In fact, this inability to even imagine trusting again is one of the greatest threats to reconciliation and true healing. What seems impossible is often never even attempted.

The good news is that we have a God who loves us lavishly and who is deeply committed to restoring us and our relationships.

If your unfaithful spouse is sorrowful, humble, repentant and broken, then marital healing is possible. Those reading this who have been hurt may seriously doubt my words. I have heard spouses injured by infidelity say things like, “As the trust goes, so the relationship goes.” That may be true, but at the same time, “As the trust grows, so the relationship grows.”

Just how does one restore trust in a severely fractured marriage?

First, you must understand that a multitude of downward steps were taken before the final step of infidelity took place. Most people focus just on the behavior in question. Yet, there were any number of problems occurring personally (and possibly in the marital relationship) that contributed to the infidelity. This is not to excuse or justify any behavior, but to show that true healing will not simply ensure that the behavior doesn’t happen again. True healing focuses on healing and restoring the whole person.

Just as a spouse’s downfall was a process, many steps are necessary to rebuild the marital relationship. Discovering the Infidelity details a beginning point and a basic framework to follow.

Rebuilding primary trust
Before we can restore trust in the relationship (secondary trust), we must look again to primary trust. If you recall, this is the inner knowledge or core confidence that a person is secure, which ultimately is tied to a fundamental confidence in God.

• The righteous person is not afraid of evil tidings; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady, he will not be afraid.¹
• Jesus reminds us to not be afraid because we are worth more than many sparrows.²
• Psalm 121 declares that our help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. He will not let our foot be moved, because He neither slumbers nor sleeps.

An individual’s reliance on God (primary trust) will be the single most important factor in how he or she personally recovers. When secondary trust is destroyed, a person needs to be as dependent and trusting on our Heavenly Father as a small child would depend and trust on a loving earthly parent. In addition, anything blocking an open relationship with God must be dealt with. This includes: 1) facing sins and personal shortcomings, 2) confessing these sins to God, and 3) asking forgiveness. Jesus reminds us to remove the log from our own eye before noticing the speck in another’s.³ Securing this primary trust will be the foundation upon which a person begins to develop secondary trust in the spouse.

If you ask God, He will help you see your spouse and your relationship with spiritual eyes. Pray daily and ask for spiritual discernment and wisdom and it will be provided. Hope and trust in God’s promise in James 1:5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given him” (RSV).

With your feet firmly planted in God, let’s review the acronym FAITH:

F = Fear not
A = Assess your support system
I = Insist your spouse decide
T = Talk to a trained Christian counselor
H = Heed biblical principles

Rebuilding secondary trust
Restoring secondary trust requires both the understanding and application of forgiveness. Biblical forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is NOT:

• condoning or minimizing the offense
• pretending the transgression did not occur
• naively allowing offenses to continue

At the same time, forgiveness cannot be disregarded if true recovery is desired. Restoring secondary trust also requires slowly and carefully weighing the decision to reconcile based on personal prayer and the prayer support of others. Taking adequate time, paying attention to detail, and receiving the objective help of a Christian counselor is essential for the future of your relationship, if there is to be one.

Infidelity gains its strength from secrecy. Reconciliation gains strength by bringing the secret sin to light in a shared community with key people including your spouse, the designated counselor, the pastor, and selected people of faith.

While rebuilding, a truly repentant spouse will show evidence of taking the initiative to restore trust in the marriage, in the home with children, and in the church community. The following is strong advice to a spouse sincerely devoted to repairing a damaged marriage:

• Prayerfully commit or recommit to the lordship of God.
• Break all ties with the affair partner, or, in the case of pornography or other sexual addiction, put all necessary boundaries in place.
• Agree to the assistance of spiritual mentors and accountability partners.
• Commit to Christian counseling, including sorting through the issues leading up to the infidelity and making necessary changes.
• Take personal responsibility for the damage done to the spouse (and children) without blame-shifting to the injured spouse or elsewhere.
• Cooperate with a therapeutic separation if recommended by the counselor or needed by the injured spouse to heal.
• Agree to medical testing for sexually transmitted diseases and encourage your spouse to get tested as well.
• Commit to not placing sexual pressure your spouse.
• Allow the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without applying guilt or added stress.

These steps will be necessary simply to prepare the field for trust to grow again. The offending spouse’s dedication, transparency, and honesty will serve as vital nutrients to enrich this soil. Constant prayer will water the field, and, in time, trust may again sprout in the field of the wounded spouse’s heart.

As you go forward in the healing process, know that you’ll have good days and bad days. You’ll experience breakthroughs as well as setbacks. This process is never easy for either partner, and it will be painful. But it will also be the most worthwhile process you have ever undertaken. You will learn and you will grow.

Remember, God is for you and He can see the end when you cannot. He is good all the time, even when your marriage and life seem to be falling apart. Trust in Him to make a way for you today.

It will be the best decision you ever make.


Copyright © 2004 Joann Condie. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.


Joann Condie is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor and Registered Nurse who counsels individuals, couples, and families on a number of issues, including sexual addiction, sexual dysfunction and chronic pain. In addition to training professional counselors, physicians, and church leaders, Joann works part-time at Focus on the Family and maintains a private practice in Colorado Springs, CO. www.renewingintimacy.com