Pure Intimacy: God's Design for Sex

When a Loved One Says, 'I'm Gay': Spouses and Children

A surprising number of homosexually-inclined individuals marry unsuspecting spouses.

Homosexuality also invades many Christian marriages. It is heartbreaking to counsel people who have either just found out that their spouse is gay, or they are dealing with the heartache of having a spouse desert the marriage for a homosexual relationship.

Sheila Hood had detected symptoms of a deep conflict in her husband’s life since the beginning of their marriage. In public, Bill was usually calm and gentle. In the privacy of their home, he was a different person—often moody, withdrawn and violently angry. There were other signs of a hidden problem: the times he would slip his wedding ring back on his finger after returning from an especially late night in the city … the way his eyes met with those of men who were strangers … the preoccupation he had with his outward appearance that had nothing to do with pleasing his wife.

Sheila sensed a growing distance between them; so, finally, she confronted Bill. At first, he said nothing; he just stared straight ahead without expression. Finally, he confessed the truth: “There’s something I haven’t told you. I have this terrible battle raging inside of me all the time. It’s not against you. It’s just that I, well, it’s just that I prefer to be with men.”

“Do you mean intimately, sexually?” Sheila felt her heart crushing inside her. “Yes.” Bill lowered his gaze toward the floor. “But until recently, it’s just been the thoughts.” Suddenly hot tears poured down Sheila’s face as she realized that her husband had been guilty of adultery with other men. Eventually, after Bill refused to get help, the couple separated and later divorced.⁵

Why do gays marry?

A surprising number of homosexually-inclined individuals marry unsuspecting spouses. One Christian counselor who specializes in homosexual issues says that about one-third of his homosexual clients are married men. In a secular book, The Other Side of the Closet,⁶ Dr. Amity Buxton says that numerous studies reveal that about 20 percent of gay men and up to 35 percent of lesbians enter into heterosexual marriage.

There are many possible reasons: they may be seeking a “normal” life, or they think marriage will “fix” their homosexuality; they have a desire for social approval and acceptance; they feel pressured by family and friends; or they have a genuine desire for children. Whatever the reasons, the resultant problems in the marriage are not the straight spouse’s fault. Usually he or she is an innocent bystander in an unfolding tragedy.

Most often, these middle-aged men and women have deeper unresolved issues from their past, such as childhood sexual abuse, which they have never dealt with. These hidden problems eventually surface, and then they manifest as inappropriate same-sex longings. The person does not know where on earth these feelings are coming from and, in today’s “gay-affirmative” culture, wrongly assumes that the solution is to go out and have sex with a person of their own gender. After several experiences, these people are deceived into thinking that they have finally found the answer to these inner struggles, and they also conclude that they were gay all along—but just did not realize it. So, they take on a false solution to a very genuine problem.

It is a total deception—and they lose their marriage in the process. Like parents, many spouses and ex-spouses are consumed with guilt. It is important to remember that, almost always, the homosexual problem pre-dated the marriage. The seeds of homosexuality are usually sown in childhood, even though they may not manifest until adulthood. In fact, there are an increasing number of middle-aged men and women who are “coming out of the closet” and declaring their homosexuality. For some of them, there has been a hidden struggle going on for years. Some may have originally married in the hopes that their same-sex attractions would disappear—which rarely happens. If anything, the stresses of marriage can trigger even more temptations in this area.

What about after divorce?

If divorce occurs and the spouse adopts an openly homosexual lifestyle, there are numerous issues to consider. Perhaps one of the most volatile subjects in regard to gay ex-spouses is the issue of child visitation. Christian parents are deeply concerned about the influence a gay parent might have on their children. What should you do?

First, realize that there are no easy answers. Work hard to promote an atmosphere of openness in your home so your children can communicate their questions and fears to you. Initiate dialogue with your children about the gay parent’s homosexuality—age appropriate, of course.  Depending on their ages and the frequency of visitation, your children may be forced to deal with adult issues, and they need your adult perspective. “Kids need to talk with parents about sexuality, sexual behavior and sexual morality,” says Connie Marshner in her book, Decent Exposure, ⁷“Many of us don’t have healthy patterns of communication with our children, and many of us have never observed healthy patterns of communication with children.” She advises parents to seek specialized help if they do not know how to promote open communication with their young children.

Second, recognize your children’s legitimate need for your ex-spouse. The parent-child relationship is not automatically severed by your divorce. Many gay parents have enormous love for their children, and one of their greatest fears is losing that relationship. Try to evaluate your ex-spouse’s behavior and attitudes toward the children apart from his or her homosexuality. Is she affirming and affectionate toward them? Does he demonstrate financial commitment toward the family? Does she maintain discretion in being affectionate with a female partner in front of the children?

Pray daily for your child’s emotional and spiritual protection. Homosexuality is not “caught” from a gay parent. In fact, an affectionate father decreases a boy’s vulnerability to homosexual temptation—because homosexuality is based on a lack of same-sex affirmation. However, any ungodly influence can hinder a child’s development. And some children with a gay parent experience periods of doubt about their own sexual identity. These doubts are reinforced by the modern media’s mythical claim that homosexuality is genetic (and, therefore, something that can be inherited from a parent). As your children grow older, educate them about the realities of homosexuality and how it really develops. (Helpful resources are listed at the end of this article.)

What to tell younger children

Parents, even those who do well in sharing the usual “facts of life” with young children, can stumble in trying to address the topic of homosexuality. Children need their questions answered; in today’s world, they are hearing about this subject from the early grade school years. The best strategy is to keep it simple. “Mommy, why are those two women holding hands?” a youngster may ask about a lesbian neighbor.

A possible answer: “Well honey, some people think that they should love each other like mommies and daddies do. But God didn’t make two men or two women to love each other this way.” Never lie; do not give out false information, even when homosexuality is occurring in your home and you are tempted to “cover” for the older sibling or spouse involved. Answer questions directly, again, giving information appropriate to the age of the child. Pray for wisdom, too. One Christian father prayed for God’s perfect timing on telling his sons that their favorite cousin had embraced homosexuality. After this uncle’s disclosure, his boys continued to love their cousin, and even changed their attitude. No longer were gays just “a bunch of faggots.” Also be sure to convey compassion for those caught in sin, even while speaking disapproval of their behavior. Remember that your tone of voice and body language speak louder than words.

As a parent or spouse moves through his or her emotional responses to a gay loved one, they reach a place of healthy freedom when they stop taking responsibility for the other person's life. And they begin separating their identity and their feelings of guilt from their loved one.

Influence—not control

As a parent or spouse moves through his or her emotional responses to a gay loved one, they reach a place of healthy freedom when they stop taking responsibility for the other person’s life. And they begin separating their identity and their feelings of guilt from their loved one. They begin to think less about “How does this person’s actions reflect on me?” They begin to detach from them in the area of responsibility. The son or daughter, or spouse, must make his or her own choices in life, and a family member can influence—but not control—them.