Pure Intimacy: God's Design for Sex
Teaching Our Children to Honor Christ in Their Sexuality
Who’s responsible for teaching the next generation how to understand the nature of sexuality? Parents.
Who’s responsible for teaching the next generation how to understand the nature of sexuality, to possess the bigness of it, and to make good decisions leading healthy and fulfilling sex lives? School, the church, MTV, Dr. Laura, or Planned Parenthood? Some of these would certainly be better than others, but the real answer is easy. Parents are the proper ones for this job, and research shows they are most effective.
A major study published a number of years ago in the Journal of the American Medical Association examined key factors that contributed to healthy adolescent sexual decision-making. The study found that high levels of parental connectedness (expressed in warmth, love, and caring from the parents) as well as parental disapproval of their child being sexually active or using contraceptives were significantly associated with those adolescents postponing sexual activity.1
Another study, a review of five years of research, found that parents who set moderate, reasonable rules for their teens saw the lowest levels of sexual activity among their teens. The study reported that parents who set moderate rules “carefully supervised their teenagers in regard to who they dated and where they went, and insisted in a reasonable curfew.” Interestingly, those parents who offered “very strict parental discipline and too many rules about dating” experienced higher rates of sexual activity among their teens than parents who set larger, more general guidelines—but less than those who set no rules. Also notable was that this study found that parents were “rated highest in terms of influence on sexual opinions, beliefs, and attitudes, but lower than friends, schools, and books as sources of sexual information.”2
What do we need to remember when teaching our kids about sex?
The “sex talk” isn’t a one-time event you have with your children at a certain age. It’s a lifelong learning process that takes place continuously at age-appropriate times. Tess, my three-year-old daughter, was learning about this when she asked Jackie a very funny question. Jackie was nursing our littlest child (a process we call “numma-numma”) and Tess was watching Jackie inquisitively. After their nursing days, most of our children have been raised on rice milk because of dairy allergies. Intently watching Jackie nurse Isabel, Tess asked, “Mamma, do yer numma-nummas have wice milk or wegula milk?” Children naturally wonder about our female and male bodies and how they work. We should guide that wonder in healthy and godly ways.
When your kids are young, don’t answer more questions than they are asking. When they ask why mommy is different from daddy, answer them in a clear but simple way. However, as they grow, and relative to their development and maturity, it is important for parents to dive deeper into some of these subjects. Between nine and twelve, children should get a pretty good idea of what sex is about and why it’s special. This brings us to the next point.
Be sure to help your children understand that sex is about more than behavior and plumbing. Help them see God’s bigger picture. Our sexuality encompasses the totality of our being: body, mind, and spirit. It’s a special gift from God that helps us share love, make new babies, and reflect His image in the world.
Be sure your child develops a positive view of sex. I’ve heard from Christians who have sexual problems in marriage because they couldn’t understand how something could be bad before the wedding and good after. These people had a merely moral view of sex rather than God’s view of sex. Help your children see that sex is always good when it’s kept in God’s plan. Help them understand that God gives prohibitions against certain kinds of sexual expression for our good, to enhance our God-given humanness. God is interested in what is good for us, not in keeping us from having fun.
Remember that your children are learning about sex when they interact with you and see you interact with your spouse. Confident girls who aren’t easily manipulated by opportunistic boys usually have fathers who warmly affirmed them and taught by example that men treat women with respect. They don’t have to go looking for male affirmation in all the wrong places. Mothers (and fathers on their behalf) who demand respect from their sons raise those boys to respect and care for women. Your child’s future spouse will thank you for raising such a confident, well-adjusted mate for him or her.
Help your children understand why it’s important to guard and protect their sexual purity: it’s a key part of their physical, emotional, and spiritual integrity as well as a precious gift they’ll one day give to their husband or wife.
Remember to set reasonable rules and expectations for your children and help them develop an internalized value system that they possess for themselves. It’s much stronger for your teenager to be able to say, “I choose not to have sex before I’m married because my sexuality is too valuable to give away to someone who just wants to score” than “I can’t because my parents (or church) say it’s wrong.”
Excerpted from My Crazy Imperfect Christian Family by Glenn T. Stanton. Copyright © 2004. Used by permission of NavPress. www.navpress.com. All rights reserved.
Endnotes
1 Michael D. Resnick ,et al., “Protecting Adolescents from Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health,” The Journal of the American Medical Association 278 (1997), pp. 823-832.2 Sharon D. White and Richard R. DeBlaissie, “Adolescent Sexual Behavior,” Adolescence 27 (1992), pp. 183-191.