There came a point when I found myself asking, “Who do I have to kill to bust a decent nut without paying a hooker or pumping until my arm is numb?”
Ok, so most guys probably don’t take masturbation that seriously, but I do. If you’re anything like me – tired of wasting precious energy on choking your chicken but unwilling to give up the habit altogether – then listen up.
Finding the best cock milking machine is hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. In fact, it only takes some basic knowledge of what’s available and a simple understanding of your primary objectives.
This buyer’s guide is designed to help you navigate through the riffraff so you can discover an automatic sex toy that performs like the wet dream you’re attempting to create.
Speaking of wet dreams (and visual stimulation in general), some of the best penis milkers on the market have amazing features that make your imagination come to life in a new and exciting way.
New technological advancements have made it possible for men to create their own sensual environments and invite their own customizable lovers to the bedroom. Furthermore, vibe and speed settings are now tailored to the user and some of the best toys are compatible with other devices (even those from other brands).
What Is a Male Milking Machine?
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Unlike a manual masturbator, a hands-free milker is one that works without any personal interaction (other than maybe pushing a button or two). The device is typically driven by a series of motors that force various mechanisms up and down the canal to stimulate the nerve endings of the penile shaft.
As a result, cock milking machines are often used as an alternative to natural sex or as a substitute for individuals in a long-distance relationship.
Furthermore, you should know that a hands-free (a.k.a. “automatic”) milker is a gender specific sex toy that produces pleasure primarily to the penis and is, for the most part, designed to be used without a partner.
However, some models have been developed with couple’s play in mind. Those toys are, in general, high tech and complicated for some users. For that reason, it’s important to know what you’re looking for before you start this search.
Main Features Of The Male Milking Machine
To determine whether you have a penis milking masturbator or something else, try to find out if the device you’re holding has any (or all) of the following features:
- An Orifice
Another word for the orifice is the opening. The opening is where you insert your penis during masturbation. It is also the first impression a man gets when he starts using his new toy.
On some models, the orifice is designed to resemble a vagina or anus. Such models use human or fantasy-like detailing on the orifice to enhance the visual attractiveness of the device. While not all masturbators use this feature, the best hands-free toys will offer a new level of realism that many manual models cannot.
- A Sleeve (Canal)
Like manual masturbators, automatic (or hands-free) masturbators feature a unique canal that has a brand-specific texture. The canal is usually made from some sort of skin-like material that’s medical-grade and/or hypoallergenic.
On cock milkers, the canal is typically made to endure long sessions of aggressive pounding, with extremely secure fastenings and state-of-the-art durability.
- An Outer Casing
Although it produces zero pleasure, the outer casing of any penis milking machine is extremely important. It not only protects the goodies inside but it also serves as an ergonomic handle.
The hard casing is often decorated with the brand’s insignia and typically features a variety of buttons, controls and indicator lights. Casings come in all shapes and sizes too, meaning very few of them are one-size-fits-all.
- A Drive Train
The most glaring thing that makes automatic masturbators different from manual models is the fact that cock milking machines utilize a self-driven mechanism.
That mechanism, sometimes called the drive train, works in various ways and at various speeds but all for one common purpose: to make masturbator an experience which requires little to no effort on your part. Depending on the brand and the toy’s design, the drive train will render significantly unique speeds and intensity levels.
- A Control Interface
Hands-free devices all feature a brand-specific control interface on the body of the toy itself. Such interfaces usually include a series of back-lit or touch-sensitive buttons that are made to control things like vibe functions, speed settings and bonus features.
Since each toy is very unique in how it operates, never attempt playing with a milker before reading all the directions.
Are There Any Bonus Features?
The wonderful world of automatic cock milkers has finally caught up with the women, offering a wide range of high-tech bells and whistles that are designed to primp and pamper the penis like it’s the prince of your pants. If you’re lucky (and if you have enough cash) you can get your hands on a device with one or more of the following bonus features:
Why on Earth would any sex toy need Bluetooth, you ask? Well, there are several good reasons why. First of all, Bluetooth compatibility allows certain toys to play off of one another in real-time – the perfect plaything for long-distance couples.
Secondly, Bluetooth allows the imaginative masturbator to explore the far reaches of internet porn. Many milking devices offer pre-programmed or downloadable content that can only be accessed with this kinds of high-tech help. The future of fucking is now, ladies and gentlemen.
- Virtual Reality
Speaking of the future, did you know that you can now buy a penis milking machine that takes you on a sexy virtual reality ride?
Using compatible VR goggles like Occulus Rift, lucky bastards with a goof Bluetooth or data connection can experience simulated sex with far-off partners, porn stars and perfect strangers. Pretty soon, none of us will ever leave the house.
- Sync to Music
Modern-day male masturbators can also hook up to your favorite tunes for a rhythmic ride of epic proportions. Depending on what you play, the toy will pump up and down at various speeds and intensities until you tell it to stop.
The only drawback to this futuristic feature: having sex while your iPod is on shuffle. It’s always better to create a playlist before using Sync to Music technology.
SenseMotion Technology is something new and subjective as well, but it’s too fucking amazing not to mention. On certain high-end toys there’s a button which syncs the body movements of all parties involved in real time. Think: vaginal muscle contractions, thrusts, etc.
While it generally requires two compatible toys and/or the right downloadable/preprogrammed content, this development is definitely one for the record books.
- Rechargeable Batteries
Although not as high-tech or swanky as Sync to Music or SenseMotion Technology, rechargeable batteries are certainly convenient and not always standard on all devices.
The most user-friendly masturbators feature immortal power sources that rejuvenate through a standard USB connection, not through a handful of bulky batteries you got from the store. Still, a toy’s power source is not always indicative of its quality.
- Porn Star Molds
Ever wondered what it would feel like to fuck your favorite porn star? Well, you don’t have to wonder anymore. Certain male masturbator manufacturers offer canals (a.k.a. sleeves) and/or orifices that are molded to the exact size and shape of top porn performers.
When added to virtual reality, Bluetooth-connected content, Sync to Music or SenseMotion, the customized molds can generate an otherworldly experience that rivals traditional sex.
- Temperature Control
Tired of slamming your salami into cold, plastic-feeling masturbators that only remind you that you’re fucking yourself? Well, you’re in luck, Chuck. Some manufacturers now offer toys that have compatible attachments and/or integrated settings which control the temperature of the canal.
If you’re one of the guys who like it hot, the male sex toy industry is finally done giving you the cold shoulder.
Things to Consider Before You Buy a Cock Milker?
Now that you know what’s out there, it’s time to start thinking about what you want. The following are considerations that any man should make before he spends money on a sex toy. These simple guidelines should help you narrow down your search a little bit more than you already have:
- Think About Your Intentions
First and foremost, how do you plan to use your new cock milker once you pry it out of the box? Generally speaking, we all know you’re going to fuck yourself with it. However, only you know how far you want things to go.
Do your intentions require an internet connection? Do you intend to use the toy with a partner? Think about those things carefully before making a purchase.
- Mind Your Lifestyle
Did you know that your everyday life plays a huge role in which masturbator will work best? On top of that, your lifestyle can determine how much pleasure you derive from your selection. Think about it: If you live with a bunch of roommates or family members and your toy is super noisy or difficult to stash, how much fun do you think you’ll have? I rest my case.
- Be Honest About Your Sex Life
If you seldom have sex with other people or engage in long-distance relationships, then a high-tech hands-free male masturbator is likely ideal, especially if you opt for one that has Bluetooth or virtual reality capabilities.
Being honest about the sex life you have helps you create the kind of sex life you want. It’s not the other way around, folks. Don’t make me tell you twice.
- Consider Your Savviness
All this high-tech stuff will do you no good if you have no idea how to use it. So, how tech-savvy are you for real? Do you even know how to tether one Bluetooth device to another? How much experience do you have downloading and using sponsored apps?
Although most devices come with a set of instructions, there won’t be anybody there to help you or answer questions when you get confused. In other words, steer clear of the high-tech stuff unless you know what you’re getting into.
- Don’t Blow the Budget
Last but certainly not least, think about how much money you want to spend. Remember that all devices are created to be unique, and thus, their price tags are one-of-a-kind as well.
In addition, the number of bells and whistles the toy has will affect its cost, so keep that in mind as you shop around. Some manufacturers offer incentives and discounts at various intervals, plus buying your device from the right supplier can save you some cash as well.
The Final Verdict
Nobody said that you’re required to buy a penis milking device. There are plenty of decent manual models available; we won’t judge if you decide to keep it simple. However, selecting an automatic device means you’re an adventurous man with great taste. In other words, you’re a gentleman and a scholar, sir.
Hands-free milkers are what we all wish we could have had back when we were forced to fuck ourselves with tube socks. Our first sexual experience was usually followed by a brief fantasy about getting those same sensations without having to bother with the social aspect of it. One of those selfish little boys grew up to develop the first automatic masturbator and the rest is history.
Now, us men have more options than we can shake a stick at. We’re forced to buy before we try and that can be scary. Considering the fact that some of these toys cost hundreds of dollars, taking such risks is a foolish endeavor. Use this buyer’s guide to mitigate your damages and increase your sexual satisfaction. If all else fails and you still can’t decide, read a few reviews to find out what other men are saying. There’s nothing wrong with getting a second opinion.