I don’t know about you, but I appreciate a well-formed penis like it’s the Mona Lisa. But instead of just standing around marveling at its beauty and precision, I like to get my hands dirty – very dirty.
Unlike a priceless work of Renaissance art, a perfectly proportioned penis is a masterpiece we can all enjoy hands-on. This is especially true if you use a good penis pump.
And I know what you’re thinking: Aren’t penis pumps for losers who can’t get it up or for guys who have itty bitty dicks?
Well, while that may have been true at one point in our history, things have certainly changed.
These days, men from all over the world are unapologetically pumping their penis until it looks and performs the way their masters demand. No longer do men have to simply stroll around with a cock they can’t be proud of.
The stigma attached to penis pumps has been lifted, ladies and gentlemen, and I’d like to be the first one to say that it’s about damn time.
I don’t know how many lovers I’ve turned away because their dick wasn’t good enough. I wonder how many of those cases could have been different had there been a decent penis pump in the mix.
How many times do you think you’ve been on the shit end of that stick? It may be that the odds are stacked against you.
Do You Even Penis Pump, Bruh?
Statistics are fun aren’t they? As a die-hard disciple of the sciences, I’ve come across some relatively interesting facts over the years.
Things like: Penis pumps with the right features have to potential to work on as much as 90% of the male population, and the fact that more than 60% of men today admit to using a penis pump at least once in their lives.
Moreover, a surprising number of dudes said they had thought about or wanted to try a penis pump but just didn’t know how to find a good one. Some reported that they were even afraid to shop for one because, let’s face it, it’s a madhouse out there.
These buyer’s guides and product recommendations are therefore a big deal, plucked straight from a combination of my brain and my personal experiences and designed to help you find your way out of this a-maze-ing situation.
Spending some time on this matter isn’t a bad idea either. Concentrating on the state of your penis is important, especially considering how vital it is to the survival of mankind itself.
One of my favorite gals, Ms. Andrea Dworkin, once wrote, “Men renounce whatever they have in common with women so as to experience no commonality with women; and what is left, according to men, is one piece of flesh a few inches long, the penis.
The penis is sensate; the penis is the man; the man is human; the penis signifies humanity.” I think that pretty much sums it up, don’t you?
However, it’s impossible to concentrate on anything if you don’t know what things to pay attention to. Before we start picking through the herd, let’s begin by thinking about the most important factor: Ourselves.
The following are a few things you should probably know before you ever go shopping for a penis pump:
The Length of Your Lapdog
You’ve probably known this number since you and your buddies measured each other’s dicks during gym in middle school, but still. It’s (hopefully) grown a bit since then, so you’ll want to get a fresh perspective.
Make sure you only count inches when your penis is fully erect. If you have problems with erectile dysfunction and can’t get it up, measure your flaccid phallic and then simply add 2-3 inches.
Also, take note when you’re pumping because many of them have a measuring gauge on the side of the chamber. Know your starting length so you can compare it to the end results.
The Width of Your Wonder Shlong
There’s another measurement that matters just as much as the length of your lapdog and that’s the width, or girth as some might say.
A good penis pump is going to plump your prick to a circumference that’s significantly larger than the one you have right now. Because of that, it’s important to know where you’re coming from.
Not being able to fit a short dick into a perfectly proportioned pump simply because it’s too fat is a sad, sad story I’ve seen far too many times. Don’t make me take you on the walk of shame.
There’s nothing wrong with having a skinny dick because you’re about to fix that, and fat cocks need love too. Penis pumps are supposed to help with erectile dysfunction as well, meaning they’re good for more than just making your little man look better.
The Light at the End of Your Tunnel
Where do you plan to go with this penis pump you’re about to buy? I don’t mean where are you going to travel to with it, although that’s always a possibility.
What I’m asking is: What are your goals when it comes to penis enhancement, erectile dysfunction, and/or improved stamina? Did you know that using an endurance-training male masturbator alongside your regular penis pump routine can drastically multiply your chances of achieving the results you set out for?
Were you aware I’d be asking so many questions in this buyer’s guide?
Yeah, me neither. Regardless, having a goal in mind before you start will make things so much easier, especially if you don’t think you’ll have the time to use the pump as directed.
The Skin You’re In
Although the penis pump itself probably won’t have too many components that could potentially break your skin out seeing as most of them are automatically made using hypoallergenic materials, there are some that don’t fit the mold.
Your skin type will react to the materials in the pump and in the lube you use, and the pump and lube will react to one another as well.
It’s a delicate dance starring your dick and not everyone’s invited. Be picky here or you’ll be sorry. I always stick with the high-end luxury penis pumps but that’s because I’m cooler than you.
It’s ok if you’re lame about penis pump purchasing at this juncture; all that will change once I get done with you.
So far, you’ve learned a little about me, figured out a few things you should know ahead of time and have listened to me rant about the things I’ve discovered along the way.
Remember, the only shame in penis pumping is if you’re doing it wrong.
It’s also probably not a good thing if you fail to fully grasp why these devices are so fantastic and, as you might expect, quickly on the rise in popularity with constantly improving functionality, features, effectiveness, comfort, appearance, user-friendliness.
Someone’s creating the demand. Why aren’t you on the bandwagon yet?
My Top 3 Best Penis Pumps In 2022:
So far, you’ve learned how to determine the type of penis pump that would work best for you while also figuring out the attributes that make up a good one.
You’re almost to the point where you can eyeball a good penis pump from 40 paces like I can.
But until you’re a full-fledged penis pump pimp, let’s start out slow with a few product suggestions.
Here are, in my humble opinion, what I consider to be the top three penis pumps on the market right now.
#1 The Bathmate HydroXtreme Series – Best Penis Pump Overall
BEST OVERALL
Hailed as the most powerful set of penis pumps in the entire world, the HydroXtreme Series from the famous Bathmate brand is also the most well-rounded pumping system on the market today.
Not only does it come with an unmatched accessories pack, but it also offers one of the only hands-free pumping systems available right now.
With an additional detachable handball pump and even a detachable shower strap included, this device is both versatile and convenient.
The series is made to accommodate almost all penis sizes and their subsequent growth, with three different chamber lengths to choose from (5-inch, 7-inch or 9-inch), making it a rare breed indeed. It comes in a sleek zip-up case, has a measuring gauge, cleaning sponge and security lock too.
Plus, it has a quick-release safety valve and is obviously shower-friendly being as the main power of the pump is derived through water pressure.
PRO: The accessories set alone is worth the money, plus it comes with everything you need to enjoy the experience and its results regardless of your experience level.
CON: It’s one of the most expensive penis pumps you can buy, but it comes with a quality guarantee from the manufacturer.
#2 The Penomet Penis Pump
BEST FOR BEGINNERS
Equally as awesome as the HydroXtreme Series but slightly better suited for beginners is the Penomet. And because the Penomet has been scientifically proven to be both safe and effective, it has quickly become one of the best-selling penis pumps in all the land.
As one of the only “officially certified” penis pumps on the market, the Penomet doesn’t look like much of a threat at first.
It’s relatively compact and perfectly executed design are fit for pause, though.
Featuring a thick, polycarbonate chamber and a set of durable, colorful gaiters, this magnificent mechanism promises to add as much as 3 inches to your penis length and up to 30% more girth.
This award-winning pump will not only provide real results in a relatively short amount of time but it will also be easy to use and even easier to hide, especially for beginners.
The manufacturer of this bad boy even offers a warranty and an unheard of 60-day money-back guarantee with each purchase.
PRO: It can be used inside or outside of the water.
CON: The fast results promised by the manufacturer are only possible if you’re willing to follow the workout routine which requires that you pump for 15-30 minutes at least 5 days a week for the first few weeks. It’s like a part-time job.
#3 The Fleshlight FleshPump
MOST USER-FRIENDLY
Made by one of the most trusted brands in the industry, the Fleshlight FleshPump is an innovative penis pump with user-friendliness as its main objective (after enhancing your penis, that is).
It features an 8-inch chamber and, unlike the other pumps on my list, uses an automatic drive to generate a vacuum inside the tube.
That means no manual handball pumps and no water are needed – just a quick slathering of your favorite water-based lube and you can get to work with the touch of a button.
The FleshPump is also USB rechargeable and has a clear, polycarbonate cylinder with a convenient quick-release valve for added safety and control.
With a supple donut sleeve and small lube sample included with every purchase, this bad boy is ready and willing to make your sex life great again.
PRO: It’s fully automatic, meaning zero effort on your part – great for people with laziness or mobility problems.
CON: The measuring gauge on the side of the cylinder may not be as accurate as a detached gauge.
Why a Use a Penis Pump?
Are you seriously me asking why I would recommend using a safe and proven effective penis enhancement device as opposed to pills and potions?
Well, let’s see here, many of the popular penis enhancement pills have pretty yucky side effects, not to mention they don’t always work and they’re difficult to take as directed. As for the topical ointments and snake oils on today’s market, I can’t say I’m a fan.
Those products either stink to high heaven, don’t work at all, or both. I’ve never really had much luck with pills and potions, although there were a few that got my attention for different reasons, but I digress.
My point is that penis pumps are well worth the investment if you’re a frugal shopper and you get the right one.
Well-made penis pumps that were developed using up-to-the-minute scientific research and industry leading technology can bring a lot of bang for a little buck.
For example, properly used PPs can usually accomplish the following 5 things, if not more:
- They can increase the length of your penis by a noticeable degree, sometimes as much as a couple inches in just a few short weeks.
- They can fatten up a skinny dick instantly and, over time with continual use, even permanently increase the girth of a penis.
- They can make your longevity something worth talking about again or even for the very first time.
- They can increase the amount of confidence with which you have sex with your partner(s) and/or masturbate.
- They can enhance the sensations you feel during sex and masturbation by bringing blood flow closer to the surface and thereby causing penile nerve endings to become more easily stimulated.
Scientifically speaking here, penis pumps are proven effective and safe if used right. They’re also devices that I think every man on the planet should be using just to ensure proper circulation to the reproductive organs, but what do I know?
I’m not a doctor; I just play one on TV.
Still, there are so many advantages to using a well-made penis pump that the list overlaps into also benefitting your current and/or future partner(s), plus this kind of pumping can support your cardiovascular health which may lead to reduced stress and better sex.
Need I say more?
Well just in case you’re not convinced yet, let me speak to you on a more personal level. When I first started using penis pumps they were still those shitty back-woods contraptions that weren’t quite on the level yet.
Out of pure frustration I sat out on a mission to either find the best penis pump in the world or to singlehandedly shut the whole operation down.
What ended up happening was me discovering the joys of juicing my own dick in the comfort of my own home, sans side-effects from pills or the stench of potions.
To this day, I still pump my penis at least twice a week just to keep it on its toes.
The Top 6 Ways to Tell If That Penis Pump Is Worth It or Not
Selecting the best penis pump is difficult, even if you already know things like your penis size, skin type and goals. 
The modern-day market is replete with options, ranging from high-end complicated models to pumps that look and function more like novelties.
The trouble is not in the variety though. The trouble is found in the average person’s inability to differentiate between the two.
Clever marketing schemes and advertisements designed to trigger your sense can leave you spinning in a spell of confusion. Luckily, I have the antidote.
Here are the top 6 things you need to consider or examine when shopping for your first (or next) penis pump:
Dimensions
When speaking about penis pumps, size is usually one of the very first things to be brought up. We all love to talk about how big and fat our dick is about to be, but we seldom ever discuss the importance of a penis pump that’s well proportioned.
All we ever want to know is whether it will work or not, but too few of us take the time to consider whether our penises will even fit inside the chamber.
I learned the hard way that measuring the diameter and length of the pump is just as, if not more, important as measuring the length and girth of my dick.
Materials
Always look for a penis pump that uses good materials in its construction. What are the good materials, you ask?
Well, for starters, they will be thick and sturdy as well as durable and possibly even see-through. Common materials for modern-day penis pumps typically include hypoallergenic options such as silicone, TPE, polycarbonate, PVC or glass.
Try to stay away from anything that might cause skin irritation or an allergic reaction, especially latex and phthalates. And don’t forget to compare the properties of the pump’s material with the lube you plan to use.
Not all lube types are compatible with all materials.
Pump Style
The pumps styles available are virtually endless. And while many penis pumps may function in similar ways, their overall style and its subsequent user-friendliness will vary quite a bit.
Some penis pumps use a hand-pump to generate suction or create a vacuum inside the chamber.
However, the higher-end models will sometimes utilize automation to make it easier or to free up the user’s hands for other things.
This is an especially important consideration to make, especially if you have mobility problems or simply don’t feel like putting in that much work for a bigger and better penis.
Entry
Everything else may line up perfectly, but if the penis pump you choose has an uncomfortable opening then it may be difficult, if not impossible, to fit your penis snugly inside for the duration of the exercise you’re engaged in.
Imagine sliding your already nervous dick inside a chamber that has sharp, rigid edges and no cushioning.
I don’t have to tell you how bad that will hurt. And considering the fact that penis pumps use immense amounts of pressure, which places the chamber right up against your skin for long periods of time, a quick consideration of the entry is well worth your time.
Suggested Routine
On the subject of efficiency, did you know that some penis pumps require a commitment to be effective?
Some pumps come with exercise programs and routines that the user must follow to the letter in order to enjoy the benefits thereof.
So, if you’re one of those guys who either doesn’t have the time for such things or who would prefer something a little more laid-back, I suggest steering clear of the hands-on pumps with lots of instructions and rules.
However, bare in mind that many of the simpler, user-friendly penis pumps aren’t nearly as effective the otherwise high-tech, complicated versions.
Typical Results
When you’ve narrowed your search for the perfect penis pump down to the top 10 or so, take a moment to look up the average results of each device you’re considering. Mot manufacturers will offer up that kind of info on their own accord, but we’re all adults here.
We know damn well that merchants like to fluff the facts to make themselves look better.
So, try to find pumps that either have tons and tons of positive customer feedback or plenty of scientific research and implementation to make them worth your while.
Typically, a good penis pump will render significant results within a few weeks of regular use as directed by the manufacturer. It also works wonders while being used in conjunction with the top penis extenders.
However, each guy is different so keep that mind.
Where To Find The Best Penis Pumps On The Market?
BATHMATE – Our top recommended online penis pumps shop that offers you the best prices, fastest and most discreet shipping on the internet.
The End Game
Nobody can deny that its hard to select the best penis pump out of all the options available.
Hell, even some of the pumps that didn’t make it onto this list are relatively decent models that are well worth your time and attention.
I just don’t suggest settling, no matter what the cost. After all, this is your penis we’re talking about here.
Granted, nothing on the modern-day market is perfect, but what matters most is that all the features come together to give you a satisfying experience (hopefully more than once).
If that takes a 9-inch penis pump chamber with a built-in measuring gauge and a 5-pound bag of accessories, then so be it.
When the smoke clear and the chamber valve releases, you’ll be the one having the last laugh.
I’m Tiffany. I’m glad you’re here with me on this crazy journey.
Since this is a sex blog, most of the content relates to the men (and women) in my life. I’ve divided my life over the last five years into little “chapters” to help you catch up on the story and the cast of characters involved.
Add Comment