I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but here it goes: You’ve been having sex the wrong way your entire life. Unless you regularly use a sex swing, chances are you haven’t experienced mankind’s favorite pastime in all its nitty gritty glory. In fact, there are so many advantages to suspended sex that I had a hard time organizing my thoughts enough to write this buyer’s guide. I always wander off on mental tangents that star me and a long line of my favorite lovers engaged in various sexual experiences that should be illegal under the laws of physics. I’m such an enormous fan of these things that I can hardly contain myself as I write this.
Over the years, I’ve encountered countless sex swings, from low-quality models bought at my local mom-and-pop sex shop to high-end contraptions purchased directly from the manufacturer. What I’ve learned is this: No two sex swings are exactly alike. I don’t know how many times I’ve fallen, gotten stuck, been injured or worse because I chose to save a few bucks. It is my sincere hope that I’ll convince you otherwise by the end of this buyer’s guide.
So since you’re obviously already in the market for a sex swing, it makes sense to go over a few key considerations that should be made before anyone ever begins searching. Skip this part and you’ll miss out on all the good stuff. For example, here are the top 5 things you need to think about before ever shopping for a sex swing of any kind (and I bet you hadn’t thought about all of them):
- Your Love Life
Hey friend, is a sex swing even practical for you and your partner? I know you want to be adventurous in the bedroom; we all do, but do you realize that once you enter the wonderful world of sex swings you’ll never look at sex the same way again? I’m not saying that to be facetious either. Seriously, it may be a good idea to at least inform your partner of your intentions to buy or use one, if not allow them to offer up some helpful input on the features you should look for. A group decision is always better than a selfish one when it comes to sex swings. That is, unless you plan to use yours with a sex doll. In that case, hats off to you, you brazen pioneer.
- Your Body Type
I know that body issues are a subject that none of us want to discuss, but when it comes to using a sex swing it’s one of the most important factors. Depending on the type, style, materials and suspension apparatus of the sex swing you choose, the allowable weight limit will change dramatically. Those who have larger body types are strongly encouraged to seek swings with generous weight limits, and those with smaller bodies are generally steered towards the swings with comfortable stirrups and adjustable straps. Whatever you decide on, just make sure it fits your body because, quite frankly, pain is not always pleasure.
- The Skin You’re In
Many people don’t think this matters when shopping for a sex swing, but the kind of skin you wear affects a lot more than you think. So while you’re out there choosing sex toys and lubes based on their likelihood of producing allergic reactions and/or rashes, don’t forget to factor in the properties of that sex swing in your cart. Certain materials can cause irritation, especially if your skin is exposed to it for prolonged periods or if there’s a lot of friction involved. And while you’d think lubrication is enough to solve that problem, think again. Some lubes will actually eat away at the materials on your swing, causing mountains of unsightly and potentially dangerous damage to both you and your new toy.
- Your Bank Account
My good people, please try to keep in mind that a decent sex swing is not going to be cheap. That’s not even possible if you really think about it. After all, this thing has to not only hold up your body weight but also be comfortable and secure no matter how much motion you put in the ocean. You see, high-quality materials and industry standard production technology/standards come at a premium these days, especially in the sex toy and equipment industries. Everyone wants a slice of the pie, meaning many manufacturers are willing to sell shoddy products to anyone who will buy them. Don’t be that guy (or gal). Either save up for a good one or prepare to dump some serious cheddar on this sex swing you’re about to buy. Believe me, you’ll be so happy you made the investment like a grown ass person.
- Your Home Space
The idea of a sex swing is extremely exciting, I’ll give you that much. But, what are you going to do when you finally buy one and find out you have nowhere to put it in your house? I’ve been down that road and it leads to a miserable little town called “Desperately Seeking an Alternative,” where lovers get hurt and furniture gets broken. I suggest taking a detour towards the city of spacious living, where nobody goes to the hospital and you still get your damage deposit when you move out. Oh, and make sure you not only have ample space for the swing but that you also have a secure doorway and/or ceiling. Otherwise, Humpty Dumpty is bound to fall.
I know all this because I’ve done the research – lots and lots of hardcore, lube-splashing homework on the subject of sex swings. What follows is the best advice I could think of. So, if by the end of this thing you’re still either 1) unconvinced about the perks of using a well-made sex swing or 2) incapable of finding the right model, then there’s no hope for you and you should throw yourself off a bridge. Just kidding. Seriously though, just keep having sex on that dilapidated mattress like it actually pleases you and everything will return to normal. Denial can be an ugly thing.
Why a Sex Swing Though?
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A sex swing is good for more than simply making you look cooler to your partner. It’s not only a safe and effective way to engage in countless mind-blowing sexual positions but it’s also a terrific product for couples who like to get creative or who deal with mobility issues. The versatility that a good sex swing can bring to bedroom is virtually unmatched, second only to a sex pillow in certain situations.
To this day, it still puzzles me why every person isn’t given a sex swing as soon as they lose their virginity. Imagine how much better sex would be for mankind as a whole if we all learned how to have sex on a swing. Our inhibitions would be no more, our concept of limitations gone. This obligatory gravity-submissive sex we’re all having is for the birds (but only the flightless ones).
When you or your partner’s body is suspended in the air during sex, something remarkable happens. Your partner can push, pull and even spin your body in any direction while hammering away in Pound Town. Best of all, securely suspended sex swings require about a tenth of the effort that those same maneuvers would take otherwise.
And if that wasn’t enough, the right sex swing will also have supporting straps and stirrups for the arms and legs (wrists and ankles). I adore that feature so much, as it has allowed me to engage in some of the nastiest rope play games in my entire life. I found out the hard way, though, that not all sex swings have the arm/leg strap feature. So just make sure you pay attention to that stuff before spending any money.
Today’s sex swings come a wide variety of shapes and sizes with various materials used as well. Some are made for casual bedroom use while others are designed for the dungeon. Obviously, the more specialized they are, the more they cost. My advice is to stay away from the super cheap ones. Anyone can make an inexpensive swing with a few pieces of rope and an old bedsheet. But we don’t because that’s stupid on multiple levels. Why bother spending money on that crap, even if it’s only twenty bucks? I’m a cheapskate too, but I save my dough for the good stuff.
The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Sex Swing Is Worth It Or Not
Even if you’re already somewhat familiar with sex swings, the following information is still important for you to read. The sex toy manufacturers of the world are constantly coming out with new and improved versions of their products. Ingenious innovations are developed all the time as well, meaning what you knew 5 or 10 years ago may be irrelevant today. Do yourself a favor and at least freshen up those sex swing skills while you’re here.
Whether just starting out or an old pro, most people know exactly what they’re looking for. The most obvious draw is cost. Many people believe that “a swing is a swing,” but that’s not even possible. Different manufacturers use different materials and methods, causing the market to be flooded with so many options that even a determined shopper needs a comprehensive buyer’s guide. No worries; I’ve got you covered my friends. Here is my top 5 list of the things you need to look at or consider when shopping for a good sex swing:
When it comes to sex swings, comfort is essential. If all goes well, you or your partner will be strapped into that thing for several hours. If it’s uncomfortable or pinches in the wrong places, you’ll both have unwanted bruising by the end of the night.
I’ve been sat in swings that start putting too much pressure on my legs, hips and back within minutes. I’ve been put in others that I felt like I could sleep in. Unfortunately, the sleepy-time swings were often too cumbersome for the type of bedroom acrobatics I was trying to achieve. And the pressure-inducing versions weren’t any better either.
As I briefly mentioned above, your body type will play a huge role in the comfort level of any sex swing you use. Certain body types can manage different kinds of sex swings better than others. Carefully look at the dimensions of the entire apparatus, with special attention paid to the padding, mounting points, and strap placement. And know that some swings even come with a headrest too.
Equally as important as comfort but only half as considered, the safety of any swing you buy will affect how much fun you have with it. Take, for example, a shoddy swing that’s made from sub-par manufacturing practices using low-quality materials and stitching. Do you really think you’re going to get your money’s worth with that thing? Do you seriously think it’s safe to be suspended in? Yeah, go convince your poor partner of that.
Nothing kills the mood faster than falling on your ass. If that sex swing you’re using isn’t designed with safety in mind, you’ll end either end up suffering from paranoia or actually break something in an accident. I don’t recommend either, so just make sure the product you buy has all the features required to make it safe: sturdy stitching, protected mounting points, durable hardware and a robust spring.
NOTE: Buying a super safe sex swing does not mean accidents won’t ever happen. Be careful, boys and girls.
The whole point in buying a sex swing is to bring some fun and excitement into your bedroom. A swing that’s not versatile enough will get boring in a hurry, but a swing with too many bells and whistles may be too difficult to use. Try to find a middle ground if you know what’s good for ya, especially if you’re new to this whole sex swing thing. I’ve seen way too many people become disgusted by their swing set simply because they bought one that didn’t perform as they had imagined. Get a clear vision of your intentions in your head and then exercise due diligence when you shop. That’s pretty much the only way out of this mess we call the modern-day market.
The fact of the matter is: The more things you can do in your sex swing, the more you and your partner will want to use it. To determine the level of versatility you’re working with here, look at things like the position of the mounting points, the straps’ adjustability (or lack thereof) and any storage options you have. Most people prefer not to leave their swing hanging in the middle of the room, but so many storable swings are made with less-than-impressive manufacturing. Be picky here, and search for a swing that’s both adaptable and discreet without being just a foldable piece of garbage.
Did you know that there are actually three different types of “sex swing” in today’s sex product industry? That’s right; you have to choose between the traditional stand-supported swing, free-standing slings, and door-mounted models as well. As if your job wasn’t hard enough already, each of those types has its own pros and cons. Let’s briefly go over those now:
- Swings: Good for achieving the greatest number of positions possible but not the safest and certainly not the cheapest.
- Slings: Great for added security and safety but significantly limits the number of positions you can pull off.
- Door-Mounts: Terrific for travel and apartment living but not ideal for position exploration.
You should also know that each type of sex swing will have to be stored differently. For example, traditional swings can usually be packed away in a duffle bag and shoved under the bed when you’re done, but a sling or door-mounted apparatus may require a bit more creativity. Slings typically come with a four-point stand that folds up, but it can be rather large and therefore difficult to find room for. Door-mounts are a little easier to stow away, but they tend to keep the swinger in an upright position because of the overall design. That design, unfortunately, makes it difficult to fold the swing up or store in anywhere out of plain sight. If you go for a door mount, opt for a model that made mostly of soft material instead of metal.
Generally speaking, of course, the more mounts your sex swing has the more comfortable and versatile it will be. On average, traditional swings have only one or two mounts, slings have at least four, and door swings have none. However, that general rule has a ton of exceptions. The key is to concentrate on width rather than number (or dare I say “quality over quantity”). The wider the mount, the cozier you’ll feel being supported by it. Bottom line.
Fortunately, a sex swing with only a single mount will usually have a spreader bar so you can manually adjust the width and spacing of the straps. The adjustments typically range between 12 and 14 inches, but some models with dual hooks can spread as far as 48 inches (that’s four feet, ya’ll). And wider adjustments like that are good for more than just dirty play, as they tend to put a lot less pressure on the rider’s hips while the game is in session.
The Three Kings: My Best Sex Swings In 2019:
I take pride in my work, which means I stalk my target like a Russian spy. The sex swings I’m about to introduce you to have been highly rated on almost every review site on the internet, not to mention they’ve been personally tested by yours truly. In an effort to remain civilized here, let’s just say I had some of the best orgasms of my life on the Three Kings listed below. Get your wallets out, ladies and gentlemen. You won’t be able to get through this next part without falling in love.
QUICK TIP: Before you start shopping, see if you can find any discount codes or coupons for products and/or accessories. Many sex swing manufacturers offer money-saving incentives randomly throughout the year. Are you feeling lucky, punk?
BEST OVERALL: The Screamer
Although this is one of the most expensive sex swings on the market, the Screamer is well worth the money. With soft and comfortable 4-inch webbing plus variable mounting options, I found no end to the things I could do with this thing. It features all metal hardware and a dual hook too, so you know what that means: Super spreading action over at my house. Out of all the sex swings I’ve had the pleasure of trying, this one is among the safest and sexiest. It even comes with removable straps and a few accessories too.
PRO: It’s beyond comfortable for many body types and has a handy dandy storage bag included.
CON: It requires two mounting points and doesn’t spin.
MOST VERSATILE: The Whipsmart Pleasure Swing
This smart swing is the most comfortable and versatile models you’ll find out there, and for the price, it’s surprisingly durable. Perfect for those who want to spin, the Whipsmart Pleasure Swing operates off of a single hook and has a relatively narrow spreader bar due to the extra firm padding. However, it’s as cozy as heaven and can even have its straps removed. And just in case you’re looking for a little more customization out of your sex swing purchase, this one comes in several bold colors too.
PRO: The thick padding and removeable straps only add to this swing’s already awesome versatility.
CON: The swivel hook is sold separately.
BEST FOR BONDAGE: The TLC
No, this isn’t a swing that’s endorsed by your favorite band from the ‘90s. It’s a high-end sex swing that’s perfect for bondage and beyond. As the complete package, the TLC Bondage Swing not only looks cool but it also functions like an old pro. With four thin yet reinforced cuffs and six different attachment points, you can train and restrain to your heart’s content.
PRO: It’s BDSM and bondage-friendly but it can be enjoyed by casual users as well.
CON: It has only one mounting point, making it less comfortable for some people. For bondage, though, that’s not always a bad thing.
The End Game
The market may be inundated with options but at least you have a decent road map now. If, like me, you can’t decide on the type of sex swing you should get, why not try them all one at a time? That’s what I did and now I own more perversion tools than anyone on my block. I make my mother proud. And like me, don’t let anyone tell you what’s right. Remember that nothing is perfect but there’s a perfect product out there for you. As long as the features come together to give you and/or your partner a pleasurable experience (hopefully more than once), that’s all that matters. If you require a dual hooked, double mounted, thickly padded, spinning sex swing to pull that off, then so be it. Ain’t nobody the boss of you.