Sometimes, the Best Lover Is the Kind That Just Lays There and Takes It.
There were a few times in my life when I was forced to do things to my body that I’m not exactly proud of today. In order to achieve an even somewhat decent orgasm, I’ve had to pike, pinch, prod an probe my genitals in ways that are illegal in 23 states. At this point, there is nothing outside the realm of possibilities for me, and that’s precisely what led me to use the first sex torso in my adult life. Embarrassed to have sex with an artificial torso at first, I quickly found out why the manufacturers of these things have been making so much money since the invention of the very first model.
I can only imagine the board meeting that day. Some weirdo shrouded in darkness and mystery shouts a suggestion from the back of the room, the rest of the people bashfully admit it’s a genius idea. A few months later, the creep’s innovative product hits the market and the world is never the same again. I’ve seen it a thousand times. Well, that’s basically the story of the modern-day sex torso. Someone somewhere got sick of having sex with the same types of toys and finally invented the perfect item. I, for one, am very glad he did.
My first experience with a sex torso was not what I had thought it would be. Encouraged by a group of friends who thought it was a terrific joke, I set off to see if the gag gift I received for my Dirty Thirty birthday was funny or fantastic. My expectations were that it was going to be lame as hell. What happened, however, was a completely different story. At that time, I was in a long-term relationships with a hot partner I’d chased for about 3 years and you couldn’t get me to have sex with anything or anyone else. But after masturbating with a sex toy that was supposed to be hysterical . . .well, let’s just say things didn’t work out.
By the way, the breakup wasn’t because miraculously the sex torso I encountered felt so good that it replaced intimacy with my partner. Nothing could be further from the truth. As a matter of fact, my partner and I had a lot of fun playing with my sex torso collection together, but there was something those toys could offer me that no partner ever could and that’s orgasmic convenience. Not only do sex torsos feel extremely close to the real thing, but they’re also easy to use or abuse and DTF at a moment’s notice. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been in a relationship where that shit was cool.
Another thing I know is that there are a few things you need to consider about yourself before spending any money on a sex toy, let alone an expensive torso. Doing your homework is important, especially with so many options out there. To get started, make sure you know the following 4 things:
- Your Skin Type
First things first, not all sex torsos are made the same. You’ll see plenty that claim to use “lifelike” materials and that’s fine because they probably do. You most certainly want realistic components to your torso too. However, the things some manufacturers use to achieve that human-like quality are questionable. If you have sensitive skin or allergies of any kind, keep those things in mind while selecting a new sex torso. Today’s sex toy makers sometimes use materials that cause irritation or allergic reaction, and many are incompatible with certain types of lube. Stick with hypoallergenic/skin-safe products to play it safe, especially if you plan to use your torso without a condom or with a partner.
- Your Lifestyle
Secondly, think about your intended purposes for buying a sex torso. If, like my corny ass friends, you’re purchasing one just to be funny, don’t waste your time on any considerations besides realism and cost. If, however, you’re in the market for a legitimately sexy doll torso and you want to get the most bang for your buck, certain factors matter more than others. For example, the price may not have as much effect when you plan to have sex with your new torso all the time. And realism may be a nice touch, but it’s not so important when you’re using the product to get a laugh. What’s your lifestyle like, what are doing with this sex toy and, by the way, where do you plan to store it?
- Your Body Type
Lifestyle-approved and skin type-safe is one thing, but body type appropriate is another. When it comes to selecting the right sex torso, make sure you’re self-aware. Bigger individuals need to buy a toy that’s weighted proportionately to themselves, while smaller people can get away with more lightweight products with a greater range of weight differentials. So, while most modern-day sex torsos are well-balanced, it’s still crucial for you to check things out ahead of time. Remember, there’s about to be lots of thrusting going on. You’ll want something that weighs enough to bounce back.
- Your Budget
Last but probably not even close to least is your budget – a consideration that most people put first. And although I can definitely see why, it’s never a good idea and I’ll tell you why. Contemporary sex toy makers employ large marketing firms to create attractive advertisements that convince consumers like you to spend big money on products with little value. Meanwhile, manufacturers offering high-quality products don’t sell at high prices because they’re trying to make a name for themselves. Somewhere in between we have merchants peddling mediocre sex torsos at costs we perceive as affordable. Put plainly, the price of something is hardly ever an indication of its quality and sex torsos are no exception.
You know what else isn’t an exception? You. Your education on sex torsos has just started and there’s no getting around the homework that must be done. So, before going any further, let’s all make sure we’re all on the same page here. Below I’ll define what a sex torso is (and isn’t) as well as go over why I think they’re an amazing investment and discuss ways to distinguish the fab from the flops. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll damn near be a professional.
What Is a Sex Torso?
It’s not hard to tell a sex torso from another kind of sex toy. Unlike conventional male masturbators that simply have an orifice and/or canal that’s lifelike, sex torsos take things to a whole new level with humanistic features that rival the real thing. Today’s torso connoisseur is privy to all sorts of things, from real hair on the pubic region, textured assholes, molded vaginal and/or anal canals, temperature sensitive components and so much more. In fact, the modern-day sex toy industry has done a remarkable job of creating tons of hyper-realistic torsos that make dating and manual masturbation virtually obsolete.
On the other hand, sex torsos don’t always have the same high-tech features that some of the industry’s best luxury masturbators have. You won’t readily discover sex torsos with Bluetooth compatibility or internet connectivity, nor will you find many with VR capabilities or programmable porn content. The good news is that those products do exist, it’s just that they’re a lot more expensive than the simpler models and they’re typically not sold by new or small companies. Either way, the world is changing fast and pretty soon we’ll have sex torsos that make real sex seem like a trip to the DMV. Hey, I can dream, can’t I?
Why a Sex Torso Though?
There are plenty of good reasons to invest in the right sex torso. I could sit here and come up with at least a dozen, but for now let’s go over the top five. Here they are straight-up, with no fluff and no bullshit on the side:
REASON NUMERO UNO – Because sex torsos are one of the greatest hands-free masturbation tools to hit the market since the pocket pussy. They’re convenient to have sex with (as long as you have a sturdy surface to place them on) and they’re relatively easy to maintain. While engaged in hands-free masturbation or sex you can use your hands for more important things like tweaking nipples and tickling ball sacks. A good multitasker is always welcome in the bedroom, and sex torsos make it possible for one to be present every time.
REASON NUMBER TWO – Because a good sex torso will help you get warmed up for the big game, that’s why. Imagine being one of those guys who ejaculates within only a few minutes of the starting buzzer. How in the world will you ever compete with the men who can run a marathon? By using a well-made torso for practice, that’s how. And how better to do it than right before you’re expected to have sex with your partner. Talk about performance enhancements; this shit should be illegal.
REASON NUMBER THREE – Because enough warm-ups and you’ll start to enjoy increased sexual stamina too. Countless medical studies have shown that frequent masturbation is not only good for your health but also crucial for a well-rounded sex life and imperative to maintaining adequate endurance levels. So, when you use a well-made torso you essentially train your penis to act in accordance with your will. That, folks, is where the fun begins.
REASON NUMBER FOUR – Because having sex and/or masturbating with a torso is second only to the real thing (and maybe sex dolls, but that’s a whole other story). The best torsos tend to have all the realistic features that we all know and love in a good sex doll minus the head, arms and legs. I like to think that my torso is the cream in the center of a cookie – only the good stuff, none of the nonsense. Like my father used to say, “The appendages of a woman are like power windows on a car; they’re nice to have but you don’t need ’em for a good ride.” Amen, Pops.
REASON NUMBER FIVE – Because sticking your wick in a sex torso allows you to practice all those funky positions you learned while reading the Kama Sutra. How else are you supposed to crash and burn a few times without suffering through a dozen breakups in the process? Modern-day sex torsos give you the opportunity to try out new things on an inanimate object before taking it out on your live partner – a step I’d suggest anyone take, especially if you’re into the kinky stuff.
And one more thing before I move on: Did you know that some sex toy manufacturers have started creating torsos that can link up to downloadable and/or pre-programmed porn content to simulate an intense sexual experience in real-time? These high-end, high-tech torsos will juke and jive to the rhythm chosen by the conductor (you) while even sometimes feeling like the actual star herself. As the market has continued to grow, I’ve noticed male torsos on the rise as well. It looks like everyone’s getting a piece of the action these days. Halleluyer!
The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Sex Torso Is Worth It or Not
Obviously, sex torsos have a lot of staying power in our current economy, what with every Tom, Dick and Harry enjoying a slice of the pie and all. It’s clear that there’s a model out there for every taste, gender and fetish. So, what seems to be the problem?
The problem is that so many sex toy makers jumped on the bandwagon that the average person can no longer select the best option for themselves without a little assistance. It seems as though everyone is making a goldilocks sex torso – one that’s weighted just right, made from the perfect materials and featuring a set of canals that could blow a porn star out of the water. However, it doesn’t take a genius to know that they all can’t be amazing. Of course the manufacturer is going to talk highly of their own product. I mean, would you talk shit about your mama? I didn’t think so. It’s time we got smart and started using some basic factors to determine the worth of the sex torsos on our minds.
The following are the top 5 things you should look at or consider when shopping for your first (or next) sex torso:
The Size
A good sex torso will always have the proportions you need to do plenty of thrusting at whatever speed or intensity you require. Keep in mind that they all come in different shapes and sizes, with many advertised as “compact” or “portable.” Those versions probably won’t be large enough to withstand vigorous sex, so only pick a them if you have a partner to help or know for a fact you’ll be able to secure the torso before you start thrusting. If the most heavy-duty sex torso still doesn’t cut it, maybe think about upping the ante to a full-size sex doll.
The Weight
Using a lightweight sex torso won’t get you very far either. Torsos that don’t weigh enough will scoot around and move every time you thrust into it. I don’t have to tell you how annoying that can be, especially when things start to get hot and heavy. The best way to find a sex torso that weighs proportionate to your body, weigh yourself ahead of time and compare that to the weight of the torsos you’re considering. Generally, the ideal sex torso will be about 1/5 to 1/6 your total body weight. For example, if you weigh 200 pounds, the perfect sex torso will weigh about 30 pounds (give or take).
The Canal(s)
Perhaps the best features to explore on any sex torso are the canals. Most modern-day torsos come with both vaginal and anal openings, but that’s not always the case. Furthermore, you should expect to pay a higher price for sex torsos that have more than one canal. On top of that, the more detailing that’s inside the canal, the more it will cost but the more fun you’ll have to. Look for canals that feature extreme textures that resemble the actual shape, size and density of a human orifice, and never forget about the importance of tightness. As a general rule, a canal circumference of about 1 to 2 inches should suffice most penises.
The Orifice(s)
Speaking of orifices, the canal could feel amazing while the opening looks and feels like shit. Don’t let this happen to you. Pay close attention to the orifice, looking for things like pubic hair, labial folds, wrinkling, and a porous appearance. The orifice should be rounded off nicely and be free from sharp edges and poor manufacturing cuts. With cheaper models you run the risk of dealing what that kind of crap. My advice is pay a little extra for a nice-looking, well-made orifice because chances are, it leads to an even better canal.
The Realism
The canal and orifice aren’t the only two things were realism matters. The entire sex torso itself should look and feel like the real thing. Top-quality models typically feature things like anatomically correct body curves, strategically placed dimples, perk tits with precision areolas, and even sometimes a specialized type of realistic skin that gentle bounces back and/or jiggles with each thrust. If you get a sex torso with all the right components, the end result will most likely be an experience which produces pleasurable sensations that are extremely close to real sex. And at the end of the day, that’s the main idea.
I’d also like to add a special note about materials before I get to the good stuff. High-end sex torsos are almost always made with a hypoallergenic or skin-safe material such as silicone, TPE, polycarbonate or elastomer. Some, however, still use chemicals such as latex and/or phthalates to make the product softer and more flexible. Stay away from torsos like that. Not only will they most likely cause an ugly reaction on your skin but they might also react badly to the types of lube you have in your stash.
The Three Kings: My Favorite Sex Torsos
In this wild and wonderful world there are thousands of sex doll torsos to choose from. And after careful consideration (and lots and lots of practice) I’ve determined the following three to be the best of the best.
BEST OVERALL: The Love Doll E-Body
Top of the line and about as close to the real thing as you can get without purchasing any entire sex doll, this hyper-realistic and relatively compact sex doll torso is the bee’s knees. The Love Doll E-Body has a gorgeous face with realistic features, but that’s only where the fun begins. She has a total height of just under 2 feet (22 in/58 cm) and weighs about 23 pounds (10.5 kgs), making her the ideal specimen for your sperm. Her package comes with all the cleaning supplies required to keep her tight pussy, ass and mouth intact through countless sexual encounters. You can even get the Love Doll E-Body with moveable eyes for increased realism, plus she can be upgraded with different skin tones and body hair too.
PRO: It’s the most attractive and well-proportioned life-like sex doll torso on the market, and the orifice textures are right on the money.
CON: The Love Doll E-Body is a big investment, especially for sex torso newbies, but it comes with a warranty and is made from some pretty durable materials.
BEST BALANCE: The Piper Sex Doll Torso
Coming in second place, but only because there can’t be two number ones, is the Piper Sex Doll Torso. As my top draft pick for superior weight distribution and balance, this sexy little number has everything anyone would want out of a sex torso – realistic facial features, a curvy yet taunt body, perky breasts and plenty of holes for you to explore. She has a vaginal, anal and oral orifice for your thrusting pleasure, plus they’re all textured to feel like the real McCoy. Larger than most but still compact enough for discretion, Piper measures about 31.5 inches (80cm) long and weighs a cool 46 pounds (21kgs), making her ideal for bigger users and rougher sexual experiences.
PRO: Piper comes with a free outfit and be penetrated deeply for a series of long strokes in any of her three realistic orifices.
CON: She may be too large or heavy for some users.
BEST BUST: The L-Cup Sex Doll Torso
This big-busted babe gives you the best of both worlds – a cute and petite figure with a rack big enough to choke a donkey. The L-Cup Sex Doll Torso features a cute Asian face with smooth, black hair but the fun starts below her innocent smile. With three willing orifices and a surprisingly flexible back arch, she perks up on your bed with an innate enthusiasm that allows you to squeeze her tits while you slam into her from behind. Her skin is soft and realistic, she comes with a free outfit, plus she’s made to gently bounce back in excitement as you thrust. Her beautifully-shaped breasts feature the perfect-sized nipples and she’s one of the only torsos with arms (because she uses them as kickstands to hold up her giant tits). This one is the largest and heaviest sex torso on my list, with a total length of 2 feet 9 inches (63cm) and a hefty, top-heavy weight of nearly 51 pounds (23kgs), meaning she can withstand a whole bunch of rough sex without breaking into pieces over it.
PRO: Even though the L-Cup Sex Doll Torso is made primarily for doggy-style routines, she’s still comfortable to use in any other position.
CON: Her tits and ass don’t jiggle as much as I thought they would, which was a huge let-down.
The End Game
People like to use sex doll torsos because they provide the same amazing sensations of a full-sized sex doll without all the annoying arms and legs that can get in the way. So, no matter what you prefer in your torso, just remember one thing: The most important factor is how much pleasure you get out of it. If a good time in your book calls for a heavy-weight sex torso with realistic facial features, bushy pubic hair, and triple orifices, so be it. You’ll be too busy banging your new sexy torso to give a damn what anyone else thinks.
