Because Your Playbook Is Weak.
Table of Contents
Can you imagine living in a world where the only sexual position was missionary? Back in the day, that’s exactly what people had to deal with. Misguided religious organizations and political agendas intermingled to create a sexually frustrated society wherein positions like backward cowgirl and doggy-style were considered unnatural and hedonistic by the majority. Fast-forward a few generations and we now have specialized literature on the topic of sexual positions and the efficacy thereof. Books like the famous Kamasutra and the recent hit, 50 Shades of Grey, only scratch the surface of what the perverted human mind can fathom. Either way, there’s a lot more to sex than simply laying on your back.
Why Do Sexual Positions Matter?
Wise sex position selection comes with experience, but getting a head start isn’t something I hear many people complain about. And while there are plenty of full-blown books on the subject, most folks are looking for information in a more concise and easier to digest form. Unfortunately, the majority of concise documents about sexual positioning are less than comprehensive, if not completely lacking useful data altogether. Meanwhile, we have horny, enthusiastic men and women from all over the world getting hurt or embarrassed because they just didn’t know what to do or how to do it.
As a matter of fact, American emergency rooms are no stranger to sex-related accidents and injuries. Positions matter because they determine the amount of pleasure you get from any sexual or masturbatory experience. However, they’re also important because their improper execution can leave you awkwardly explaining the circumstances to a strange doctor. According to recent studies, more than 2 million people in the United States already know what that feels like, and those numbers only include the cases where the patient wasn’t too embarrassed to admit the truth. I shudder to think about the real figures.
But sex position selection isn’t always about safety. Did you know that the position you have sex or masturbate in can play a significant role in how easy it is to reach orgasm? This is especially true for women, since the clitoris often requires direct stimulation while the internal g-spot begs for attention as well. Modern-day sex toys are being churned out to deliver a dual-sided orgasm, but positioning matters with synthetic sex just the same. Depending on what’s going on and what the goals are, each sexual position you choose could make or break your climax. Like a dollop of tangy, delicious A1 sauce: Yeah, it’s that important.
8 Tips for Choosing the Best Sex Position
Being as choosing the right sexual position has just been described as crucial, I wouldn’t leave you sitting on your thumbs. Appreciating the importance is only half the battle. Getting to know the various considerations to make is the hard part. Recalling all these things is virtually impossible, so don’t be afraid to review the information at a later time if needed. I won’t tell anybody that your memory has been faded by years of incessant sexual perversion. I probably wouldn’t remember anyway.
Regardless of our collective amnesia, let’s all try to remember the following 8 things when choosing our next sexual position:
- The Heights
Carefully check the total height of anyone involved. Make sure all measurements line up with one another and with any sex toys you’re using. If not, you may need to rethink the position or start incorporating some kind of equipment to suffice the size differential. Partners with an extreme height variation may find it difficult to reach the sweet spots without sex toys, restraints or sex furniture. Usually, between 6 to 12 inches is considered a normal height gap. Anything more than that may make position selection a pain in the rear (literally).
- The Weights
No two bodies are the same. Even identical twins can weight different amounts, and those amounts play a significant role in which positions you can pull off. Those who have an above average weight are no longer limited to a handful of positions, with dozens of positioning aids now available in the form of sex pillows, wedges and ramps. Items like that are typically rated for heavyweight use, but be sure to check the label to confirm. When it comes to using sex swings and slings, you and/or your partner’s weight (individual and combined) matters even more.
- The Mobilities
Choosing the right sexual position requires some forethought about whether you and/or your partner has any physical limitations. It’s not kind to force your lover into a position that causes them discomfort or pain. Have the talk ahead of time to narrow down your options more fluidly. In the meantime, remember that some sex furniture is designed to help with mobility problems, plus certain positions can be flipped or customized to the performer/receiver’s specific requirements. Don’t let your physicality get you down; pick a sexual position that everyone can enjoy and nobody gets hurt.
- The Pleasures VS The Pains
Never forget that a little bit of pain can go a long way towards making you reach orgasm like never before. There’s an entire community built around that very principle, so don’t refrain from a sexual position just because it moves you outside your comfort zone or causes you minor agony. It all depends on what you’re doing and what your goals are. Into some BDSM? The positions appropriate for that aren’t necessarily ideal for a romantic night of passion. Choose wisely, because you only get one chance to make a first insertion. . .I mean impression.
- The Required Equipment
That sexual position you’ve been obsessing about: Does it require any special equipment like the items mentioned above (sex pillows, wedges, ramps, slings, swings, etc.)? If so, you might want to think about whether you know how to use those things or not. It probably wouldn’t hurt to consider the quality of whichever products you already own. Are they sturdy and robust enough to make it through the session you have in mind? Will you need to buy anything else – equipment, personal lubrication, accessories, anything? Let’s figure this out before we move on, shall we?
- The Practicalities
Not all sexual positions are practical, although most of them look like a lot of fun. The fact of the matter is that no two people like the same exact things, nor will they always agree on which activities make sense. Trying to hang your partner from the chandelier with BDSM ropes so you can perform oral sex isn’t practical or necessary, but things don’t have to get that extreme for them to be logically flawed. If a position looks to complicated or difficult, move on to something else (or practice the position in segments if you must).
- The Safety
Using proper equipment and making a careful consideration of the practicalities of each sexual position are the only ways to ensure everyone stays safe while getting satisfied. If a position puts you or your partner in danger, prevents you from stopping, seeking help or communicating effectively, it’s not a good idea for anyone to try it. I don’t care what the latest erotica books says; anyone can write smut. Don’t even go there if the position looks unsafe or if you don’t have the right gear to pull it off.
- The Worthiness
Is trying this new sexual position with your partner even worth it? Will it cause problems in your relationship somehow? Could it potentially make you and/or your partner feel differently when all is said and done? Sometimes, good sex makes it hard to maintain eye contact in the morning. But horrible sex makes it hard to stay in the game at all, and that’s precisely the kind of disaster I’m trying to help you avoid.
This relatively concise 8-point checklist is not designed to take all the fun out of choosing a sexual position. Rather, it has been carefully curated and compiled to make the journey to self-discovery a more well-rounded and satisfying one. After all, missionary style is for the Amish.
The Top 4 Tools for Achieving Difficult Sex Positions
If you’re anything like the rest of us, then you’ll probably come across a position or two that looks downright impossible for you and/or your partner to achieve. It will probably look amazing too because that’s how it always goes. Granted, there are certain options you should stay away from for obvious reasons. But some sexual positions are totally possible as long as you have the right equipment. It’s a shame more people don’t understand that.
Sex furniture and equipment isn’t always cheap, but it’s much more affordable than a pile of medical bills from the emergency room. Not only that, but luxury gear makes participants feel more pampered, thereby coaxing them to spread their legs a little further. The right stuff can revolutionize your sex life by increasing the safety and satisfaction of your positioning endeavors. Here are the top 4 most popular sex positioning tools on the market today, complete with a few pros and cons for each. I even threw in a quick product recommendation at no extra charge. You’re welcome.
- Sex Pillows
Sex pillows are a lot like the pillows on your bed, only you don’t have to lay your head in the wet spot when you’re done using it. High-end sex pillows feature dense stuffing, washable exterior materials and secure closures over a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Generally speaking though, they’re often quite large and require special attention for storage. Some models do come with their own discreet packing bag, although that’s relatively rare and usually indicative of high quality.
BEST SEX PILLOW: The Liberator Hipster – A curved, machine washable, moisture-proof masterpiece of ergonomics that accommodates nearly any body type of sexual position.
- Sex Wedges
Sex wedges remind me of a pillow if it belonged to an old man with terrible neck and back problems. These durable, triangle-shaped contraptions are made to support the hips and pelvis during sex and/or masturbation, but they’re only practical if you use sex equipment a lot. Unlike a standard sex pillow, the specialized shape of a wedge allows it to bend and fold into several different forms to accommodate many positions. Buy one of these if you’re into experimentation.
BEST SEX WEDGE: The Liberator Jazz Wedge – A Hipster-inspired, machine washable, zero-curve cutie that has a compact size and a body-friendly shape.
- Sex Swings
Sex swings should be in a class all their own, but alas here we are. Made to suspend you or your partner in the air for effortless, weightless positioning assistance, luxury swings are good for more than just sex. Some models get used for chiropractic care as well, although not all sex swings are appropriate for such uses or sturdy enough for all body types. Sex swings make gravity and mobility issues obsolete, which in turn can make orgasm a lot easier to achieve.
BEST SEX SWING: The Fetish Fantasy Bondage Swing – A sex positioning staple made to help users of all sizes achieve difficult feats with its adjustable cuffs and unique D-ring placement for enhanced BDSM play.
- Sex Slings
Sex slings are like sex swings without all the hanging out. Self-sustained, some models can also be attached to the door of your home, strapped onto the body of your partner or even hung from the wall. Made to get you and/or your partner’s body into the perfect position for penetration, sex slings are fun to use, easy to maintain and more affordable than most swings and pillows. On the other hand, they don’t always give you the kind of control you need and can break easily if the wearer struggles too much.
BEST SEX SLING: The Pig Sling with Stirrups – A luxury-grade, vegan-friendly positioning apparatus that holds up to 250 pounds with its 4-point harnessing system.
Pillows, wedges and slings, oh my! It’s not always easy picking out a piece of equipment to support the sexual positions you want to try. It’s also not always necessary. People have been having sex without special equipment since the dawn of time, it’s just that now we’re actually enjoying ourselves. As a general rule, stick with positions that look possible for both you and your partner, never try anything that appears extremely dangerous and invest in the right sex furniture if you’re planning to get adventurous. The positions you choose will determine the kind of equipment you need (or don’t).
The Three Kings: My Favorite Sexual Positions (Not Including the Classics)
We won’t talk about the three pillars of sexual positioning here today. Missionary, doggy-style and cowgirl are all serve as reliable bedroom staples, but they’re rookie options and I’m not about that life. The absolute bangers usually fall somewhere between fetish and kink, but I think some are normal enough to please just about everybody. Best of all, these positions are all safe and none of them require any special equipment. That’s not to say the 5 tools mentioned above won’t enhance your experience. I mean, who doesn’t love a kick ass sexual position while being supported by luxurious gear? Regardless of the contents of your personal stash, though, here are three sex positions anyone would love:
The Pretzel Dip
Pretzels are a mouthwatering snack that pair well with hardcore sex. This position offers the same deep penetration as doggy-style but without all the back-of-the-head action. For many people, rear entry causes back pain after only a few strokes. The Pretzel Dip allows you or your partner to lay comfortably while the other one digs for gold.
How It’s Done: Have your partner lay on his or her left side and then kneel and straddle your partner’s leg. Your partner should then bend the right leg around your waist, giving access to the vaginal and/or anal entrance.
The Hot Button: Tease your partner with some manual stimulation first, then up the ante with a little rub-down from your shaft until they’re at the brink of explosion and begging for penetration.
The Over-the-Shoulder Boulder Holder
Empty your partner’s balls with this famous position, known for its ability to stimulate the g-spot and clitoris at the same time. The Over-the-Shoulder Boulder Holder rocks in so many ways, plus it offers that beloved deep penetration we’re all looking for but can’t find during sex with a human partner. NOTE: Thrust slowly or this one can cause some pain.
How It’s Done: Have your partner lay on their back with their legs spread open and their knees bent. Gentle climb in between their thighs and allow them to rest their ankles/calves on your shoulders.
The Hot Button: Play with your partner’s clitoris, perineum or p-spot while having sex in this position since those erogenous zones will be on full display.
The Spoon position is the perfect alternative for doggy-style lovers who can’t quite hold their own weight anymore. It’s also ideal for pregnant women, plus it allows for deeper penetration than the cowgirl/cowboy position, is great for post-sex naps, and frees up your hands for other, more important, endeavors.
How It’s Done: Have your partner lay on his or her side and then position yourself in a similar way behind them until your crotches are lined up.
The Hot Button: Stimulate your partner’s clitoris or penis while penetrating them by using your bare hands or a well-made sex toy.
There are over 200 different sexual positions described in the Kamasutra alone, and that book was written long before we had luxury sex gear and compatible toys. The reaches of the human imagination never cease to amaze me, which is why I thought this sexual position guide was so important. Otherwise, your cat-like curiosity could get the best of you like it did me. Don’t learn this stuff the hard way.
How to Know Which Sex Positions to Avoid
Choosing a good sex position, for most people, involves 99% personal preference and 1% safety. Although I believe that ratio to be askew just a bit, I can certainly understand why safety isn’t always the first thing on people’s minds when they’re making love. So, instead of blatantly refusing to try anything new out of fear of embarrassment or injury, why not just keep certain things tucked away in the recesses of your consciousness? Here are # surefire signs that the sexual position you chose isn’t the right one:
- It Causes Extreme Pain or Discomfort – The wrong position can hurt you and/or your partner in a way that will be immediately noticeable to the both of you, albeit not always immediately treatable for either of you. Stop right away if anyone asks.
- It Causes Damage to Your Property – Poor positioning can be devastating to your decor and damage deposit. And if discretion is a concern, crashing decorations can be a huge red flag that something nasty is going on in there. Be sure you have the proper equipment before using any sex furniture.
- It Harms Your Dignity (Unwillingly) – Bed sexual positioning can make you feel like something you don’t appreciate. Don’t be afraid to say stop and try a different arrangement before completely losing your cool.
- It Desensitizes Your Genitals – Positions that overstimulate certain parts of your body can lead to general desensitization. Try to switch it up a bit from time to time to prevent that from happening. Use topical delaying products to further enhance the experience without causing more nerve damage.
- It Leaves Unwanted Marks on Your Body – The positions which leave unwanted scratches or bruising on your body should be avoided, especially if you’re in an illicit relationship. Use high-quality sex toys and sex furniture with padding to minimize the evidence.
- It Causes Health or Wellness Issues Afterwards – If a sexual position causes health problems afterwards, it’s always best to say no even if your partner begs. Stop dating idiots who don’t put your wellbeing before their orgasms.
- It Feels Good to You But Not Your Partner – A properly executed sex position should feel good to everybody, but no two people are the same so don’t be greedy. Refrain from getting into poses you know your partner doesn’t like. Partners, communicate your wishes and opinions openly without being a jerk.
- It Didn’t Work Out the Last Time You Tried It – Sexual positions don’t miraculous start feeling good when they didn’t before. The chances of that are rare, so learn from experience and stay away from anything you’ve tried and failed at in the past. Those are the types of things you practice with a sex doll, not a live human being who can make fun of you to their friends.
The End Game
Experimenting with different sexual positions is half the fun of making love. The various sensations created and the bond you feel with your partner as you both reach orgasm at the same time is magical. However, only about 30% of all couples are enjoying that kind of sex life because sex position selection isn’t something they teach in high school and folks don’t want to read whole books for inspiration – pictures included or not. The average sexually active individual just wants to bust a nut by any means necessary, so if that means enlisting in some sex position trial and error, then so be it. The end game is to find a handful of options to add to your sad, outdated playbook. Nobody said you had to perform like an award-winning porn star with a 10-inch cock. You just need to stop having sex like a 12th grader because that shit is weak, son.