If You Can’t Feel It In Your Balls, You’re Doing It Wrong.
As arguably the most user-friendly, unilateral sex toy on the market today, the average cock ring sells to millions of men all over the globe each year and comes in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and colors with a long list of features to match. Choosing the best one can be harder than you are, especially considering the fact that the modern-day sex toy industry is replete with eager manufacturers peddling vibrating cock rings to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I feel your pain, brothers and sisters. With a well-made vibe cock ring in the mix, sex becomes much more interesting and enjoyable. I wish there were an easier way to do this.
Exploring all your choices individually is option number one. Manufacturers with clever marketing ploys want you to do your shopping that way because it leaves you vulnerable to their tactics. Option number two involves searching for your first (or next) vibrating cock ring with a little experience under your belt. So while you may not be a cock ring connoisseur just yet, you’ll feel like you’ve been using them for years by the time we’re done here. At least I hope so.
Looking for a new vibrating cock ring always makes me want to poke my eyes out, so you’re not alone. If every single manufacturer doesn’t claim their product is the best then none of them do. Everyone has something remarkable to offer, every ring is the one that will rule them all, every customer loves the product so much that they just had to leave a well-written, perfectly worded review about it. Get out of my face with that bullshit. If any of that was truthful, then why do we have so many cases of wasted funds on shitty cock rings? Riddle me that, Batman.
It doesn’t help that many high-end vibrating cock rings are surprisingly expensive for how simple they are. Without knowing the difference, you could end up in the same slowly sinking boat I was in a few years ago. Naively believing all cock rings were the same, I mistakenly bought something that turned my dick into an ugly balloon animal. I copped a nice rash with it too, and my girlfriend ended up thinking I was cheating on her because I couldn’t get it up for three days afterwards no matter what she did. Learn from my stupidity, ya’ll. To this day, she’s my white elephant and it’s all because I didn’t take the time to vet out a decent cock ring.
My advice: Be prepared to spend a little dough if you really want to experience a mind-blowing orgasm or seriously increased self-control without the embarrassment I endured. And while price isn’t always indicative of quality, the general rule still applies here: You get what you pay for. Then again, getting one at a price that’s super friendly to your bank account is easier than you think. Vibrating cock rings of every kind are sold at stores worldwide with little regard to quality. I know of a really cheap vibrating cock ring you can find at a janky gas station just outside of Boca Raton, Florida, but that thing won’t get you any further than the broken down taxi that dropped me off there.
When deciding on how much cheddar to set aside for one of these things, or to determine which model would work best for you, be sure to consider the following three factors:
The Size of Your Main Member (AKA Your Penis)
Not all vibrating cock rings are made the same, but you should know that by now. With that said, it’s important to take into consideration the size of your penis when it’s fully erect. So when you have a spare second, carefully measure the length and width/girth of your precious purple-headed mushroom slinger. Make sure the model you choose has enough stretch to accommodate the ebb and flow of your throbbing shaft. However, be certain it’s going to be tight enough to get the job done right the first time.
The Skin You’re In (AKA Sensitivities and Allergies)
Nobody, and I mean nobody, needs to go through what I went through when I was hunting for a good vibrating cock ring material. I have super sensitive skin and I may or may not have an allergy to latex. It took me a long time to realize that certain materials reacted differently to my body, meaning some cock rings would produce skin irritations, rashes, bumps and even dangerous allergic reactions. I’m not trying to scare anybody here, but it’s crucial to pay attention to your body when it comes to the things it’s exposed to.
The Life You Live (AKA How You Have Sex)
You’re going to come across several high-end cock rings that do any number of things to your penis or partner. However, spending extra money on a fancy device makes no sense if you seldom have sex or masturbate. Either step your sexual game up or go for something a little simpler to save some bread. On the other hand, bringing a good vibrating cock ring to the table may open up doors you never knew existed. For example, did you know that there’s now a vibrating cock ring model that intuitively predicts your behavior and then offers activity suggestions based on your habits? That’s right, having sex with inanimate objects has never been more personal than it is now.
Why a Vibrating Cock Ring Though?
As a whole, vibrating cock rings provide a service to everyone involved. For the wearer, a nicely standard crafted cock ring can help combat the effects of erectile dysfunction and/or offer support for premature ejaculation. Well-fitted cock rings, with or without vibrating power, can make your dick look more attractive too, and we could all use a good makeover downstairs. After all, most penises look like baby birds trapped in an overgrown nest, am I right? No? Just mine? Ok.
Anyway, vibrating cock rings offer all the same features and benefits as standard cock rings but with the advantages of a vibrator. In my cookbook, adding vibrations to any recipe makes shit a lot more delicious, but I digress. Typically marketed and utilized as a safe and effective couple’s toy, shimmying shaft circles provide pleasure to both people during sex. Designed to be used throughout marathon vaginal or anal sex sessions, a well-made vibe ring will rock your clock even if you use it without a partner. One of my favorite things to do with mine is to use with my favorite male masturbator or automatic blowjob machine. Talk about guilty pleasures.
In some cases, the right cock ring can even help with the sexual tensions associated with long-distance relationships. Best of all, using one is a lot cheaper than buying a plane ticket or paying for a hooker. And even the most luxurious vibrating cock ring is still less expensive than the recommended dosage of many penis enhancement pill, potion, and penis pump. On top of that, cock rings in general are simply more effective and offer more immediate results than the latter options. Overall, I feel like every man on the planet should own at least one by the time they’re a full-fledged adult. These things are serious business without serious consequences or commitment; everything else is child’s play or risky as hell. Not today, Satan.
The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Vibrating Cock Ring Is Worth It or Not
Despite the relative awesomeness of your high-end vibrating cock ring, you’re never going to find a model that’s without flaw. Perfect products don’t exist and vibrating cock rings are unfortunately not the exception. So, even the contraptions that I’ll suggest later on will have a few pros and cons to sift through. That’s just the way life is, folks. I was given this world, I didn’t make it.
And now that all the ugly stuff is out of the way, let’s talk shop. While many of the models you’ll come across have similar features, there’s a big difference between them all and it’s usually lurking just beneath the surface. This guide is designed to give you X-ray vision when it’s time to go shopping for a vibrating cock ring. You’re welcome.
To sift through the riffraff as painlessly as possible, consider the three factors mentioned above and then look at or consider the following five things:
The Size
Size is one of most important things to think about when it comes to having sex. No matter you’re doing, no matter what toy you’re using, and no matter what a stripper tells you, the size of that cock you’re rocking is crucial. It’s dimensions will determine the required dimensions of the products you use, from dildos and male masturbators to sex swings and vibrating things. When shopping for a good vibrating cock ring, the same rules still apply.
The majority of today’s top vibrating cock rings are designed to be flexible enough to fit around the base of your shaft. Granted, there are some standard cock rings that are made from non-pliable materials such as stainless-steel or glass, but for the sake of this buyer’s guide let’s just stick with the models that offer vibrations along with blood restriction. Those types need to be just as carefully examined even though they stretch quite a bit. You never know if it will stretch enough or too much for your unique dick and most cock rings are unreturnable.
The Stretch
Speaking of stretching, the one thing you don’t want to stretch is your physical boundaries. Although cock rings are inherently designed to stand in the way of your natural bodily functions, a well-fitted one will do that in a safe way that doesn’t cause any permanent damage to your skin or penile muscle tissue. Going hardcore is never a bad thing unless, of course, that comes to what your cock can realistically withstand. Yes, there are lots of non-stretchy cock rings out there, but their users have carefully measured their erect penis like they were Michelangelo sizing up the Sistine Chapel. This is not a game.
Furthermore, there is no one-size-fits-all vibrating cock ring in existence and there probably never will be. The penis-blood-flow-restriction business is a delicate matter that must be met with plenty of accommodating features, often including a sizeable stretch that ranges from a few centimeters to several inches. There’s also no average or standard sized vibrating cock ring either, meaning you’ll be getting to know more about your junk during this shopping trip than you ever did before (and that’s counting in middle school when you masturbated furiously for five months straight).
The Feel
What I mean by “feel” is really “material.” If the material is all wrong, the feel will be off. And if the feel is off, that’s probably a good indication that the material is shitty. As a general rule, stay away from anything that contains phthalates, as that group of chemicals has been linked to cancer in countless studies. Sadly, many sex toy manufacturers still use it, especially when they need their products to be super flexible (as in the case of a vibrating cock ring, for example). Fortunately, reputable cock ring makers will always list the materials and/or ingredients in their products on either the label or their official website. Take the time to check that stuff out or you’ll be sorry.
Your best bet is probably something along the lines of silicone, although polycarbonate and TPE are both viable alternatives to the otherwise expensive silicone selections on the market. Silicone vibrating cock rings have the stretch you want while also performing as terrific conductors for the vibrations surging around the loop. They feel great with any water-based lube and are usually easy to clean and maintain as well. But, depending on things like your skin type, budget, lube preference and partner, it may be necessary for you to seek a cheaper model. As long as it’s free of harmful chemicals and has the softness you desire, things should work out in your favor.
The Features
The best and brightest things about any vibrating cock ring are the features. After all, without them the toy would just be a standard cock ring and you’d lose all the extra benefits. I, for one, pay the closest attention to this when shopping. I pretty much know the average size of my dick by now and can eyeball a circumference from 15 paces away. However, I understand that not all men are as familiar with their family jewels as I am. Being a professional sex toy enthusiast has given me insights into the innerworkings of my crotch the likes of which I couldn’t describe on my best day. Let’s just say, the features of my cock rings have to be on point.
If I were you, I’d hold out for things like:
- Integrated push-buttons or wireless remote controls
- Wide ranging vibration functions with at least 3 or more settings
- Somewhat customizable vibes, speeds and/or patterns
- Partner stimulation features such as a clitoral pad or motion sensing technology
- Additional personal pleasure features such as a perineum stimulator
Of course, you may be hard-pressed to find a vibrating cock ring with all those features working in unison, but you get the drift. I’ll have you know that there are a few models that possess all those features and more. We’ll explore those options as soon as I’m done here. Back to you, Bob.
The Manufacturer
If you come across a seemingly wonderful vibrating cock ring that just so happens to be made by a company you’ve never heard of, proceed with caution. As soon as the sex toy makers of the world learned that we loved a good cock ring, they all jumped on the bandwagon. Some manufacturers sprung up over night searching for their piece of the penile pie, and what we’re left with is a flooded market that has too many options to choose from. Narrow your search significantly by sticking with sex toy brands you already know and respect. Let those little guys make a name for themselves.
On the flipside, I’ve used several vibrating cock rings from manufacturers I’d only heard about in passing and they were mind-numbingly awesome. It could be that I just got lucky though, so take your chances wisely. The wrong product could have you begging for mercy in the all the wrong ways, don’t say I didn’t tell you so. Furthermore, well-known sex toy brands often dole out huge discounts, coupons and promotional codes. No-name manufacturers usually skip that part because their main objective is to make as much money off of you as possible.
The Three Kings: My Favorite Vibrating Cock Rings
Still not sure which vibrating cock ring to slap around your love shaft? No worries, my friends. I’ve done all the hard stuff for you, and like usual, I’ve found my top three favorite models. Here they are to get you started on the right foot:
BEST OVERALL: The LELO Tor 2
Not your average vibrating cock ring although it looks basic enough, the attractively packaged LELO brand’s new Tor 2 was the world’s first rechargeable couple’s cock ring to ever grace the market. Since its inception, more toys have tried to mimic its overall design than any other sex toy before it. The reason: This stretchy bad boy features intuitive buttons on the side for easy one-click control from either partner, plus it offers a series of 6 smooth vibrations that erotically massage and energize both of you at the same time. The makers also promise that their terrific Tor 2 will increase penis harness, length and girth immediately, and they even offer a 1-year warranty and an unheard of 10-year quality guarantee to back it up.
PRO: It’s lightweight, made from medical-grade silicone and has an impressive battery life.
CON: It can’t be customized outside of playing with the various vibe functions and it probably won’t do the trick for long-distance relationships.
MOST CUSTOMIZABLE: The Lovely App-Controlled Couple’s Ring
This marvel of modern machinery is designed to give you and your partner an experience you’ll never forget. Armed to the teeth with high-tech features, the Lovely Couple’s Ring is both smart and sexy. It uses the brand’s patented “Desire-Sensing Technology,” which is just a fancy way of saying it can predict your behavior and even offer activity suggestions based on your average sexual habits. Controlled by a free app that’s compatible with Android and iOS systems, this sleek and sophisticated device is the first of its kind. It even features partner-friendly ergonomics and has a ridged clitoral stimulation pad for extra pleasure during intercourse. Moderately priced but worth every penny, the LCR is a force to be reckoned with as it paves the way for bigger and better technologies in the future.
PRO: It also has 8 free-functioning vibe settings to explore, making it one of the hardest vibrating cock rings to get bored with.
CON: It does not come with any sort of storage pouch or container, so you’re on your own there.
MOST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: The Je Joue Mio
This sensual little device has a sexy name and an even sexier platform. Closely resembling the number one draft pick, the Je Joue Mio is a similarly fashioned device with a few features you might not find on the otherwise solid LELO Tor 2. For one, the Mio guarantees to make you last up to three times longer in bed because of its patented design. Not only is it fully rechargeable but it also has a flexible fit and is made from super soft FDA-approved silicone that’s 100% latex and phthalate free. Best of all (no seriously), this thing can cycle through 25 different vibe settings with the push of its integrated one-touch button system.
PRO: The Je Joue Mio is not only waterproof it’s also sized just right for the average man, with a max/min diameter of 2.25 inches and 1.25 inches respectively.
CON: Not all 25 vibe settings are easily distinguishable and it can get tiresome trying to cycle through all of those with only an up or down button in your toolbelt.
The End Game
You’ll never find two vibrating cock rings that are exactly alike, nor will you ever discover one without at least one flaw. Because we all have different tastes, the market it always going to be full of variety. It’s your job to figure out what would work best for your unique lifestyle and sex life, not to discover what everyone else is using. If sex and masturbation are acts of love, why not love yourself by seeking only the best vibrating cock rings to love you back? This isn’t supposed to be a one-sided relationships. But what matters most is that the features on whatever vibe cock ring you buy work together seamlessly to provide you and/or your partner with the best sexual experience possible (hopefully more than once). If that requires an intuitive, silicone smart ring with a built-in remote, super stretch abilities, and half a dozen vibe functions to explore, then so be it. This decision is between you and your picky dick. Everyone else can leave their two cents at the door.
